Learning To Forgive
by ExtinctionOfReality
Summary: ShuuRen/RenShuu, other couples appear Summary: Moving on...is that really such a hard thing to do..? Renji had to learn that the hard way.
1. Chapter One: Meeting

**Summary:** Moving on...is that really such a hard thing to do..? Renji had to learn that the hard way.

**Pairings:** ShuuRen, mentions of ByaRen since chapter one

**Rating:** NC-17 (for later)

**General warnings:** _**disturbing situations in a gore/grotesque way (you have been warned!)**_, swearing, sex, abstractness/weirdness, "sudden" couples may appear.

**Author's notes:** I will say this right now: **beware of chapter two when it comes**! There is nothing much going on in chapter one, because it's a foundation on which chapter two is born. Chapter one is harmless, I can't even give it PG-13, but it's going downhill with chapter two. **You have been warned! Turn back now if gore/guro is not your thing!**

I don't have much to say about this fic...it was just a random idea before bed, inspired by _**OccultDawn's**__ "Call me Shuuhei"_ masterpiece of a oneshot (go check it out, you won't regret it!). As a whole, I think it sounds better in my head, so I don't know if it's honestly very bad or not...

Anyway, I have three chapters planned for this one (four max, I think) and since I am currently on holidays, I may as well write all of them during this week...at least that's the plan, orz...

I guess this is set somewhere after Aizen's defeat and before the current arc (maybe during the Fullbringer arc... Maybe...). Just thought I would point it out.

Well, without further ado, here it is.

**Disclaimer:** Do not own Bleach.

_**Chapter One: Meeting**_

Sitting at the usual table with a few empty bottles of sake, Renji let out a deep sigh, drowning a third one already. He was feeling like shit and the night was still too young. But he knew why he came during this hour... He didn't want to run into his friends... Especially not one in particular.

But then, he was being honestly stupid, lying to himself, too. If he didn't want to run into anyone, he should have chosen a different table at least, right? Coming here earlier so as not to meet anyone was foolish, for they didn't really have an established hour of meeting... They simply came there at any time they wanted or could after work. Yeah, Renji was being an idiot...

But then, maybe he really wanted to see everyone again? It has been so long, after all... He even sat down in his usual seat... Well, he wasn't sure how they would react to him... Would they be surprised? Happy? ...Upset..? Renji didn't know and to be honest, he didn't give a crap. He just needed someone to talk to...

Two goddamn bottles and he was still sober, too? This needed to change and fast. He needed to forget his lousy problems.

As he raised his hand to signal the lovely looking waitress to bring him more booze, he felt someone slap his hand down.

"The fuck?" Renji let out dumbfoundedly, raising his eyes to meet a smiling, tattooed face, who was already putting down a bottle of sake before him, taking a seat opposite of him.

Great... The person he didn't want to face most.

Leaning an elbow on the table, Shuuhei rose his own bottle of sake, "Hey, Abarai. Haven't seen you for a while," a large toothy grin was plastered on his face as he took a gulp of his own sake, eyeing Renji who didn't seem to touch his drink, still seemingly recovering from meeting Hisagi again, to which the grin disappeared from Shuuhei's face, "What's up with you..?" he paused, staring intently, "It has been two months already...aren't you at all happy to see me?" a sad smile appeared on his features.

Renji blinked, _Yeah, two months since we broke up..._ he thought to himself, but decided to brush that thought off as he grinned back, taking the sake Hisagi offered, "Sorry, sempai. I was lost in thoughts," he took a quick gulp, "It has been a while and," he took in Shuuhei's appearance, "You look well! Have been getting more sleep?"

Shuuhei let out a chuckle, seemingly have forgotten Renji's reaction from a few minutes ago, "The hell are you saying? I look like a wreck. I haven't been getting much sleep at all recently."

"Oh?" Renji blinked, only now noticing the dark orbs around Shuuhei's eyes, "Sorry, I didn't notice..." he paused for a bit, but continued on, even if what he truly wanted was to get the hell away from there and fast, before guilt would eat at him completely, "Been overworking like usual, eh?"

"You could say that..." Hisagi's laugh was a bit strained as he leaned against his hand, staring at Renji, "And you..? I haven't seen you here for a long time... Something happened?" he cut to the chase fast and easily.

Indeed, there was nothing Renji could keep a secret from this man. He could read him so easily, almost like a book in fact. The redhead wasn't comfortable with that at first, but he grew used to it over the years... Especially since he could read Hisagi just as easily. It was probably because they were rather similar…and the fact they used to trust each other with their lives...before Renji went ahead and screwed it up a few months ago...well, he couldn't exactly help it. He couldn't help his heart.

And now, their bond was ruined. Not that he didn't trust Shuuhei anymore, but this was something he knew the other wouldn't want to hear.

Feeling his heart sink even more than it already had, Renji took a huge gulp of sake, "Nah, it's nothin' important," he let out a sigh, closing his eyes.

Shuuhei leaned against his hand further, "Oh? Having problems with your lover?" Renji's eyes widened slightly at that as he looked at Hisagi who raised a questioning eyebrow, "Bull's eye?"

Abarai could hardly believe this, "It's just that...honestly, it's a small fucking matter and-"

"It's not your fuckin' business, right?" Hisagi finished for him, taking another gulp.

"For fuck's sake, no! That's not what I wanted to say... Goddammit, it's just that..." Renji shook his head, running a hand through his hair, "Dammit, why do you care?"

Hisagi made a face at that, "Tch, in case you have forgotten, Abarai, I am your friend..." he glared, "Isn't that what we have agreed on, dumbass?"

Renji grunted, staring at his bottle in hand, "And..? Stop fooling yourself. Things will never be the way they were anymore," he said that without hesitation, without raising his sad eyes at Shuuhei.

Truth be told, Renji was head over heels in love with Hisagi before and he knew the feeling was mutual. The redhead would never cheat on someone he loved so dearly unless his heart was honestly swept away. It was painful, he was torn for such a long while after he told Shuuhei how he cheated on him. The shock and pain in those eyes back then still hunted him to this very day. He hasn't yet healed at all...yet, looking at his smiling ex-lover made his heart cringe even more.

Sure, Renji was the one who cheated, broke up with him and fell for another, that another being his very own Taichou, but he always thought that Hisagi was the one with deeper feelings of them two, not that feelings could be measured, but he just... He always thought Hisagi loved him too deeply, without fail... Did he honestly heal so fast, faster than him..? Renji couldn't believe it...but it didn't matter anymore anyway...

And now, Shuuhei bore a hurt expression at his words, "...It's damn sad you feel that way..." he said a bit quietly, which Renji struggled to catch through all of the noise in the bar. Hisagi continued though, "Don't you think it's better to let things out? Even if we won't be the same again, try and remember how much you trusted me. Have I failed you once?"

Renji had to admit, as always, Hisagi had a point. It would be best to talk about things that have been eating at him...and the best person he could ever do that with was right before his eyes, because despite everything, even if he would never voice it anymore, he still trusted him with his life.

Raising his eyes to look into Shuuhei's honest, but unreadable ones, Renji gave in, "Fuck, well you see..." Abarai lowered his eyes, barely registering Hisagi moving closer to listen to him, "It's just that... Sometimes, I don't think we fucking work well at all, me and Kuchiki-taichou. We are too damn different, ya know? He is such a damn proud, stuck up asshole that it's both hard to get through to him and understand him sometimes... We fight often, well, it's more like I am the one fighting because I get easily pissed off and it doesn't even affect him... Sometimes I question his love for me, but I know he loves me anyway, so...fuck...damn, it's just that."

As soon as Renji finished his long monologue, Hisagi raised the bottle to his lips, only to set it down, in thought...and then, to Renji's surprise and slight displeasure, he smiled a bit, "Seriously, that's it? Lovers' quarrels have been eating at you?"

Renji grunted, "Well fuck, I told you it was a small matter," the nerve of this man. Abarai was surprised to think even he misunderstood him.

"I never said it was a small matter. All problems are still problems, you ass," Shuuhei glared, watching Renji take another gulp of sake, "But it's nothing to beat yourself over this much. Remember how...we used to fight all the time? And what did it always result in?"

Renji blinked at that, "...hot, steamy sex?" he couldn't help but smile a bit.

Hisagi grinned, "Exactly," he took two gulps of his sake, snickering, followed by Renji's chuckle too, "So really, don't worry about it so much. It just proves that you two care about each other."

Renji couldn't help a large smile. He sure as hell missed this, sharing everything with his sempai, the only person who could ever raise his mood and spirits to impossible levels... Gods, what he did was truly unforgivable. He hurt such a gentle soul so easily...damn, he was still beating himself over it. He would never be able to let go...

The smile disappearing from his face, Renji looked at the table, hurt visible in his eyes and heart, "I'm so sorry, sempai..."

Hisagi took only a small gulp of sake because of that, lowering the bottle on the table, confusion written all over his face, "Hm? For what?" and when Renji didn't answer, he thought about it for a bit, coming to the right conclusion, "Again..? Goddammit, none of that shit, you hear me?" he pointed his finger at Renji, one leg on top of his seat, "You should seriously learn to let go of the past and move on. What's done is done. You can't damn change that. And I got over it... You should too," Renji raised his eyes in time to see Hisagi clink his bottle against Renji's as if in a toast, drinking the rest of the alcohol in one go.

Deciding not to comment that, he went along and smiled. Shuuhei smiled in reply, "And I told you many times already: stop calling me sempai," Renji smiled broader. They both knew he couldn't get over that old habit, so it was left at that, as usual. Setting the empty bottle on the table, Hisagi looked to the side, "But there is one favor I want to ask you of..."

Blinking, not expecting to hear that, all Renji could manage was a small, "Yeah?"

Standing up, Hisagi all but stumbled towards him and only then did Abarai realize how drunk they both actually were. Still, he was stoned, glued to the seat as he looked up at his sempai, who simply stood before him, looking down at him, his eyes glinting with an indescribable emotion, one Renji tried to forget, yet they were also dull at the same time.

Hisagi slowly wrapped his arms around Renji's neck, leaning down to his lips, letting out a breath that tickled the redhead's face, the smell of alcohol hitting his nostrils as Shuuhei leaned to his ear and Renji could smell it, that exotic smell of Hisagi's he tried to forget. He was getting enchanted. He wouldn't be able to push him away now. Damn, he was so weak...

"Kiss me like you mean it..." was Hisagi's whisper as he leaned back, crushing his lips over Renji's in a forceful, full of passion, kiss. Renji replied it with his dazed eyes, mind a mush, loving the taste of sake rolling over his tongue, mixing with his own, playing with the experienced tongue, battling, rubbing against it with his own.

Somewhere along the way, Shuuhei found his way on his lap, legs on either side of his thighs, and Renji couldn't fight the urge to wrap his arms around the waist, pulling the man closer to himself. It was blissful... Until common sense hit his mind, the face of his beloved appearing before his eyes and he pulled away from Shuuhei, pushing him away after.

Hisagi momentary wore a lustful expression on his face, he managed to notice it, before it changed to a carefree one, a huge smile replacing that deadly emotion, "And with this, I can finally let go completely," he ruffled Renji's ponytail, getting off his lap, noticing concerned brown eyes staring at him, at which he chuckled, "I'm fine, alright?" and with a wave, Shuuhei left, leaving Renji with his thoughts that didn't last long as he heard Rangiku's voice calling out to him, followed by Kira, Ikkaku and Yumichika.

Staring after Shuuhei, before his friends got close to him, he whispered a quiet, "Liar," under his breath, before turning to greet everyone.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	2. Chapter Two: Breaking

**Author's note:** all of the warnings I mentioned before chapter one go here. **Turn back now if you are disturbed by gore/guro. This is your **_**very last**_** warning!**

As I suspected, this story sounds better in my head, but oh well... What's done is done and I am not about to back out from writing this. And it turned out longer too, haha... Am I learning to write longer chapters? I hope so. XD

Anywayz, happy/not-so-happy/hateful reading, I guess~

_**Chapter Two: Breaking**_

_The room was filled with a lot of random, in Shuuhei's eyes, equipment for various purposes, and he couldn't help but question quite a few of them, for they looked rather strange. He eyed a chair equipped with various cables and wires, a chainsaw attached above it, needles growing out of it...blinking at it, Hisagi couldn't help a chuckle... Creepy..._

_"Is there something you need, Hisagi-san?" came a sudden question, startling Shuuhei as he turned to see Akon seated at the desk working on something...something he decided was best not to look at or question._

_Instead, Hisagi cut to the chase immediately, without wasting any time as he stepped closer to the desk, "I am sorry to bother you, Akon-san, but I am in need of something..." he trailed off, deciding it wasn't proper to just disturb the man from his work._

_Pausing at what he was doing, Akon raised his eyes at the scarred man, "I am listening," he was actually interested to hear what the 9th Division Fukutaichou could possibly want from him._

_Shuuhei scratched his head, thinking it over for a bit, but then he smiled embarrassingly, "I heard word you have been working on a new drug of some kind, well, you know, the one that completely vanquishes your reiatsu for 24 hours?"_

_Akon raised an eyebrow at that, "Why yes, we have been working on this, to be honest, __**secret**__, project," Shuuhei let out a small, weak chuckle, "...what do you need it for?" was Akon's question._

_Hisagi's eyes widened slightly as he struggled with his words, "W-well...y-you see..."_

_"Oooh, no need to say more," Akon smirked knowingly, pushing away from the table, standing up and walking over to a shelf with various small bottles on it, "What you won't do to have pleasurable sex these days..." he muttered to himself, retrieving a small bottle after a quick search, making his way back to the table, sitting down, offering the bottle to Shuuhei, "I warn you though: it may have a side effect. We haven't finished researching it yet, but I don't think it's harmful in sex," he winked._

_Hisagi laughed a bit, taking the bottle, "Thank you, Akon-san. I owe you one," he brought the bottle to his nose, sniffing at the contents only to be glared at, so he stopped._

_Waving his hand in a dismissing manner, Akon returned to work, "Have fun."_

_Bowing lightly, Shuuhei left the office, happy with his received item. It was now time to execute his plan...he turned in the direction of his frequented bar._

Opening his eyes, it took Renji a short while to adjust his vision, waiting for the room to stop spinning. He drank a lot, again, and his throat was really dry. He was dying for a glass of water...but at least his head didn't seem to hurt and that was a good change-

He let out a muffled cry as a sharp pain shot through his arms, jerking them only for them to hurt even more. His mouth was covered by a duct tape and turning to look at his arms, he noticed they were suspended against the wall by Shuuhei's zanpakutou's Shikai release, the blades digging hard into his skin, cut right through. The pain was unbearable... The chains were wrapped around his legs, suspending him well, his legs spread out. He noticed only his lower body was covered by the fundoshi, while the rest was star naked. He couldn't struggle and he couldn't move. What the hell?!

"Finally awake," came Shuuhei's monotone voice and Renji raised his head to glare at the man who was walking out of the bathroom attached to his personal room, which all of the taichous and fukutaichous had an honor to have. As Hisagi made his way towards him, Renji struggled to think and understand how he ended up here, in Shuuhei's room, as he noticed by the guitar neatly leaned against the wall...and why he was so painfully suspended in the first place.

Shuuhei's eyes were dull, not a single emotion glittered in them as he smiled, "I dragged you here after you passed out in the bar," he paused, feeling Renji try raise what tiny amount of reiatsu he had left, "Don't even bother," Shuuhei was standing before Renji now, "I drugged you with that sake. You won't be able to use your power for 24 hours," he put a hand on the wall near Renji's head, staring into those wide, wild eyes.

Shuuhei couldn't help a dark chuckle as surprise was replaced by rage and a growl, "I have only one thing to say about all this, Renji," when they were together in their personal space, Hisagi always used Abarai's first name. Leaning closer to Renji's face, Shuuhei let out a breath, "I haven't moved on," he smiled sadly, nuzzling his nose against Renji's cheek, only for the man to flinch away.

Unceremoniously, Hisagi grabbed Abarai's chin, forcing his head to look at him, "Do I disgust you now, Renji?" he snickered coldly, miserably, "I can't blame you. I am disgusted by my pitiful self right now, too," he brushed his lips against Renji's cheek, taking in a deep breath, filling himself with the redhead's scent, sighing pleasurably, dreamily.

"It's sad you don't look at me with the same predatory eyes anymore," he commented next, hearing another grunt come out from the redhead who tried to struggle again, only to be pinned by the brunet's hands, "You know," Shuuhei started, waiting for the other's attention to return to him fully again before continuing, "In these past two months, I couldn't sleep not because of a shitty and banal reason such as work," he ran a hand down the exposed torso, cold fingers dancing over warm skin at which Renji shivered lightly, "I couldn't sleep...because the same nightmare hunted me... The nightmare of you returning, lying down in my bunk and hugging me close to yourself," Hisagi dug his fingers into tanned skin, hearing a hiss, "I always woke up in the middle of the night, every time hoping it was true, every time my heart beat faster, and yet..." taking a lock of Renji's hair, he brought it to his nose, inhaling deeply, "...you weren't there..." he watched the hair slide from his fingers.

Renji watched him quietly, despite the crazy situation he was in now, he actually felt...guilt...and pain...pain he turned such a kind person into a beast, setting his darkness, darkness Shuuhei tried to surpass for so long out... And now, he was paying the consequences.

Hisagi's dull eyes looked into Abarai's again, "No, love... I don't blame you," Hisagi continued, setting every single cooped up emotion, every single word - free, "It's not your fault," he put both hands on Renji's cheeks, leaning his forehead against the tattooed one, "It's not your fault your heart got swept away. Life is shit and... We can't control our hearts, still..." Hisagi leaned back, his eyes filled with pain, "Did you honestly think I would let go so easily?!" he almost yelled, "Did you think I could forget years of our relationship in just a few minutes after you confessed how you cheated?!... Well, fuck that shit! I didn't stop loving you less! How could I possibly..." Hisagi's eyes started to get wet, his throat going dry and he struggled with his tears.

"And I still love you, Renji. I can't fucking imagine my life without you," he sunk to his knees, his arms around Renji, breaking down one layer after another, his face buried in Abarai's stomach, tears running down freely, "See how pitiful, how desperate I have become for you?"

All Renji could do was stare down at the painful display, his heart clenching, seeing the man he used to love so much like this. If something like this happened when his soul was devoted solely to Hisagi, he would kill himself... Actually, even though he now loved Byakuya with all of his heart and soul, this was painful to watch... Too painful... And he was powerless to do anything.

If only he knew... So many times he could just come over and comfort Shuuhei, but he didn't. He thought the man wouldn't want to see him anymore after he broke it off, but then... He never waited to hear what Hisagi had to say and just left. He acted so selfishly...and this was the result. So many times he could come over and hug Hisagi, help him get through this... But then, he would have been giving the man unnecessary hope, something he didn't want the other to believe in and hurt himself more... Damn, he could have still thought of something. This wouldn't have been the result either way.

He didn't take Shuuhei's feelings into consideration at all.

Hisagi smiled against Renji's skin, "But it's okay. I thought about this a lot for the past few months and... I told myself, I tried convincing myself so many times over I would move on..." he raised his tear-stained face to look up at Renji, "...I have been lying to myself though..." he rubbed his face against the fit stomach, not at all embarrassed he was acting this way around the person he loved, "...but, do you know why it's okay?" Shuuhei started pulling Renji's fundoshi down slowly, presented with a not yet aroused member, licking at it from balls to the tip, kissing it, his eyes once again on brown ones, "I decided I want to see you suffer..." he deepthroated Renji once teasingly, feeling the muscles clench as he dug his nails into slim hips painfully, "...to make you fucking suffer physically at least... So you would know the tiny bit of pain I felt...and still feel inside my heart and soul," Shuuhei started ravishing Renji's member and body, sucking and licking everywhere he only could. Of course, Renji couldn't help but be aroused by the forced pleasure...at the same time though, his mind always wandered back to Byakuya.

Abarai let out another hiss as he felt his member bitten a bit painfully, watching Shuuhei slap it, "...Is Kuchiki-taichou really that good in bed you actually had to brag about it to Yumichika yesterday, so the entire Gotei 13 would know about it now?" Hisagi's eyes, though still red from tears, were suddenly shining as he glared up at Renji, "Well, fucking guess what..? I am not giving you up that easily... Even if this is one-sided now."

Standing up, Hisagi undid his sash, pulling his own hard member out, panting heavily as he rose both of Renji's legs, watching the man let out huffs. He pushed inside of the body dry, hearing a strained and painful moan, to which he chuckled, pushing in and out, "Oh fuck... How much I missed this..." he let out a throaty moan as he started to thrust, not waiting for Renji to adjust, "Shit, you are tight... What, Kuchiki-taichou doesn't enjoy to top or is it that you changed your preferences drastically as soon as you left me..?" Shuuhei gasped, watching every single change in the redhead's expression now, imprinting it all in his memory, "Or is it that you...mm...were lying to me since the very beginning?" he continued fucking Renji fast and hard, not needing an answer anymore, knowing the other would bleed soon, "...I would tell you how many times I jerked off over your body, how many times I lay there broken after, miserable thoughts running through my mind, pain in my heart over the fact I could never have you like this anymore...but I'm sure you don't give a damn," and Shuuhei couldn't take it anymore as he bit into Renji's skin, speeding up greatly, licking at all of the drawn blood, loving the muffled moans he was receiving. Watching Renji's face, his ex-lover's scent engulfing him he came, rolling his hips, thrusting until every last drop of cum was inside.

Staying inside of Renji for a while longer, he kissed him through the duct tape, darting his tongue out, playing against the material as if he was making out with Renji, licking and nipping.

Renji's brain was a mush, momentary forgetting the situation he was in, he clenched his ass muscles, his own member still painfully hard. Shuuhei hissed lightly and slowly forced his member out, a smirk on his face, "Not to worry, darling... With everything that happens next, your erection is going to drop as if you were impotent," pecking Abarai's lips through the duct tape, watching slight fear in those eyes, Shuuhei leaned down, pulling Renji's fundoshi back on, struggling with the chains a bit, pulling his own pants back in place.

"Thank you for the awesome fuck, by the way," Hisagi kissed Renji's arousal through the material, watching bits of cum and blood drip through the rope from Renji's ass, those muscles still clenching, legs shuddering, wanting nothing more but the release they wouldn't get.

In his daze, Renji noticed Shuuhei grab something on the floor beside him, his eyes widening when he noticed Zabimaru being pulled out, the blade glittering lightly.

Shuuhei smiled slightly, crazily, "And this is where the fun will really begin," he brought the cold metal up to his lips, running his tongue over it as if in thought, looking over Renji's body, chuckling when he saw the pleading look, "I'm not sorry at all, love. You brought this upon yourself..." and he ran the blade teasingly over tanned skin, watching it quiver, just damn asking to be cut. Without wasting time, Shuuhei pierced one of Renji's tattoos on the torso, deep, ripping the muscle tissue with ease along the tattoo's way, hearing the redhead scream out in pain, trying to pull away, but it was no use. His body was now shaking violently...and something inside of Shuuhei clicked as he let out a crazed, insane laugh. He was euphoric...he wanted to see and hear more.

"Oh how lovely you look, Renji...red suits you perfectly, especially when between two black lines," pausing for a second to take in his work of art, Shuuhei continued in his ministrations, feeling Renji trying to raise his reiatsu, which he had none, watching as he struggled against the bloodied Kazeshini binds to no avail. Too perfect. Exactly like Hisagi wanted...

Ah, tears started running down Renji's face. Was it so painful? Good...but...it was paining the brunet to see his love cry, so he licked the tears off, proceeding to carve all of the tattoos with the blade, all the while kissing Renji's neck and skin in general from time to time, watching the black lines split in two, fascinated by the sight. With each passing minute, he let the blade go deeper, watching so much blood ooze out.

Renji stopped crying or shaking, feeling numb, his body used to the rough treatment already, his insides getting messed up.

And Shuuhei didn't stop until all of the tattoos were split, even the ones on the forehead, which weren't as fun to carve because of the skull being in the way.

Renji was breathing heavily and with each breath, more blood came out of his deep wounds. In some places, you could even see white bones showing out. Shuuhei laughed cruelly, running his fingers down the wounds, messing with the blood, digging fingers into the skin to draw even more blood, licking at it, loving the metallic taste rolling on his tongue, Renji's blood, eyes glowing dangerously.

Leaning over to Renji's ear, he whispered, "I love you... I love you too damn much...do you even see how much?" he licked at the earlobe, "What d'ya say, time to cut off the lovely wings on your back?" the brunet chuckled. He still had the tattoos on the arms to take good care of, too.

But the body in Shuuhei's arms went limp.

Blinking, Hisagi let out a disappointed sigh, licking Zabimaru, then throwing the blade back on the floor. Grabbing for Kazeshini, he tried pulling the blades out of Renji's arms, all the while holding the unconscious body with his own, but they didn't budge, so he went ahead and cut both of Renji's arms off, dropping Kazeshini as he gently put the man's body on the floor, letting out a breath. Staring at Renji for a small while like that, lovingly and lustfully, he ran a hand through the locks, taking the duct tape off, fingers on the lips. Standing up, Shuuhei brought Renji's arms back to the body so they lay precisely in the right places.

Standing there for a second longer, Shuuhei knew it was over. They were both over and he will not be forgiven for what he did.

Oh well... He seriously had no regrets.

Making his way to the bathroom, he stopped at the tied up body sitting on the tile, have been struggling with the binds for a long while without avail. Shuuhei's eyes were emotionless as he crouched before the body in the sited position, watching tear-stained eyes look fearfully at him.

Without a thought, he took the duct tape off forcefully, hearing a loud cry come out from the person, "Inoue-san, right?" he asked, watching the female nod slowly, in fear, as he undid her ropes, "Please forgive me for kidnapping you from the Human world, for making you go through such rough treatment, but there is something I need your help with," he was certain this girl heard half of what he and Renji were doing when she became conscious again, but he couldn't bring himself to care as he dragged her from the bathroom and into the room towards the redhead, watching her eyes widen greatly as she dropped to her knees beside the man, whose blood was already dripping all over the floor, watching the mess his body was in, horrified.

"Can you please fix him?" came Shuuhei's calm question and he was more than glad when the female nodded no questions asked, pulling both of her hands in front of herself, a strange light appearing around Renji's body in a ellipse. Hisagi watched how his arms were attached again, mentally letting out a sigh, but then...

"...Why aren't the wounds disappearing?" he asked, confused.

"I don't know..." came a panicked reply from Orihime.

Shuuhei all but yelled at her, "What the fuck do you mean you don't know?! You're the healer here! You must know!"

"But I don't know! I am doing everything right, there is nothing wrong with my spell. You saw his arms reattach, but I can't heal the wounds!" Orihime raised her voice, fear coursing through it, tears starting to run down her cheeks again.

Shuuhei had horror written all over his face. Holy shit, no...no... This was NOT happening! Not here, not now...never!

Breaking through the barrier with great force, not caring if he hurt Orihime with that, he was at Renji's side in seconds, crawling the body close to himself, checking for the pulse that was hardly there...too barely...

Did he...go overboard..? Renji lost too much blood...too much...

His body stoned, soul a wreck, he held his beloved's body close to himself, gently, as if he would disappear at any given second... Hisagi cried out, painfully, sobbing loudly, not being able to think anymore.

_My fault, my fault...my...fault_, was running through his head like a mantra. Gods, what has he done. He was a useless piece of shit. Because of him, because of his bullshit, Renji could...

He wished he was the one in this state right now instead of Renji...anyone but the love of his life... He should have hurt himself instead of inflicting such serious damage on Abarai... He was a psycho, a lowlife psycho...an idiot...motherfucker...everything in this world that wasn't good.

Pain coursed through his body and he thought he was going to die at any given second. Wasn't he broken enough already..? Gods, no...not this... Letting out a pain-filled breath, he knew...he knew he had brought this upon himself. Hurting his love so much to the point he was dying...fuck, what was he thinking?! He should disappear...no mercy for him...he should end his life...

But...

No...he won't let Renji die... Even if it meant doing what he had to do...even if it meant he had to suffer for the rest of the days...he would die for the redhead at any given second.

Standing up slowly, his head lowered, Abarai in his arms, he whispered quietly, "Please follow me, Inoue-san..." and he was out the door fastest, on his way to the 4th Division HQ.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	3. Chapter Three: Understanding

**Author's note:** I sure took sweet time with this one, but I needed to sort things out first before I could write... Hmm, remember I said this is happening at the time of the Fullbringer arc, sorta? Well, let's assume Ichigo didn't lose his powers at that time, okay..? I wrote this with that idea in mind. Hope it's okay...

Also, since you are reading chapter three of this already, I suppose you don't mind my writing style, the fact I use a lot of dots. I'm sorry for those, but I can't help it. I convey feelings and pauses the best way through them. Please, bear with me.

That's all I have to say, I guess...

_**Chapter Three: Understanding**_

Same bar and the table, the usual time he came to this place. Looking around a bit, Renji couldn't help a small smile. Nothing has changed at all...and he was glad. Happy his usual places didn't change, that everything stayed the same...

Then, why was he feeling like something did change..? The atmosphere? Could be... He himself did? That made even more sense. Before blaming anyone or anything else, one must first look at themselves... And that's what Renji was trying to do.

No matter how many times he would deny it, shun the feeling deep within himself, he knew for a fact something inside of him changed, but he couldn't yet pinpoint it. His lover didn't say anything either... Well, maybe he was over thinking it after all.

Letting out a deep sigh, Abarai made his way to the usual table, eyeing one single person sitting there. Pausing a waitress on his way, he ordered his usual drink without much of a thought and took a seat, surprised eyes instantaneously on him.

Putting on his usual grin, Renji greeted his companion, "Hey, Kira! Long time no see. How have you been doing?" he blinked, "And why are you drinking alone?"

The blond's cheeks were already a rosy color as his surprised eyes softened, a light smile actually adorning his face, "I have been well, Abarai-kun. Thank you for asking..." he paused, taking a sip of sake, "Everyone else is busy today, so I am here alone..." he looked down at the bottle in hand, "It has already been a month... I'm glad you seem well."

Renji frowned a bit at that, "I fuckin' am well..." he paused for a second to thank the waitress for bringing him his booze, staring into Kira's obviously not believing eyes, "...Okay, okay... I simply got sick and tired of being cooped up in my room, satisfied?"

Kira stared for a second, his eyes still, strangely, focused, despite already drowning a third bottle and he is the one who gets drunk fastest, "...Those wounds are too deep...and they were inflicted on your tattoos, that's why they are taking longer to heal, for those are the ones that are connected to your powers and-"

"Yeah, Zabimaru has been kinda quiet recently..." Renji interrupted, playing with the bottle of sake in his hands. Damn, why did he order it..? He knew he wouldn't be able to drink it, not after getting drugged last time, "But seriously, do you know how boring it is to be fucking alone in a room with no company for almost the entire day? Kuchiki-taichou has been forcing me to stay in bed since I regained consciousness, dammit... It's a pain..." he watched Kira take another swing, "I haven't been in the office or working for a fuckin' month... It damn sucks."

Eyeing the bandages around Renji's forehead, the ones showing a bit under his shihakushou on the torso, Izuru shook his head, deciding to lighten up the conversation a bit, not that he was good at it, "...Not that you are much help in the office anyway," he chuckled slightly, "But yes, I know very well how you feel, Abarai-kun. Glad to have you here, moving around again."

Renji's wounds were still hurting rather badly. It took an effort to walk around and even breathe, but he managed. He was simply tired of being alone all day long. Byakuya didn't even let anyone visit him, the damn bastard. About time he found strength to go against that.

Renji let out a small laugh at Kira's words. He sure missed company, especially one of his best friend's, "Heeey, don't say it like that! I am not useless in the office!" he glared playfully.

Izuru's smile became a bit wider, "...Yes, Abarai-kun. Keep telling yourself that."

Renji laughed some, even more when Izuru almost spilled his drink as he brought it to his lips. It fucking hurt to laugh, but the pain was worth it. Gods, he was happy to finally be out.

A short silence fell between them suddenly, smiles slowly disappearing from their faces... And it was obvious what both of them were thinking about...

Nothing would be the same anymore.

Thinking for a bit, a serious expression on his face, Abarai didn't raise his eyes to look at Kira as he asked slowly, "...How is sempai doing?"

Izuru, even though knowing that question was coming, couldn't help but bite his lip, eyes saddening, "...You don't know?"

The redhead shook his head, "No one is telling me anything," not that he could bring this subject up with Byakuya, "Please tell me, Kira..."

Kira's hands shook a bit as he put down the drink, lowering his head, the short bang of hair falling into his eye, "I-I... Hisagi-san... He..." Kira raised his eyes to look at Renji, "You sure you want to know..?"

Renji grunted, "Well, damn fuck, of course! I am worried about him, you know..."

Kira blinked, "Despite the fact he was the one to put you in such a state?" ah, as always, a blunt half-drunk Izuru.

Abarai let out a deep sigh at that, "I was the one who caused this. I deserve every single one of these wounds."

Kira shook his head in disbelieve, "You could have died. You have been unconscious for weeks, just..." the blond stared inside the bottle, muttering to himself at how little sake he had left. Staying quiet for a bit, he looked back at Renji, "...You have a big heart, Abarai-kun..."

Waving his hand in a dismissing manner, Renji stared at Kira expectantly, who after a small pause, finally said, "Hisagi-san... Hasn't been doing well at all, Abarai-kun... He... He has been imprisoned."

"What the fuck?! Imprisoned?" Renji was dumbstruck, even though he shouldn't have been. He knew this could have happened...

Kira didn't mind his outburst as he continued, "He has been imprisoned for a month now, since the day he brought you to the 4th Division HQ," well, that was where Renji woke up weeks after. Hisagi was the one to bring him there after all, huh?...

Kira sighed, drinking the rest of the sake in the bottle in one go, "On the same day he brought you to the 4th, he was confronted by Kurosaki-san... Because of Inoue-san," Abarai blinked, confused at that and Kira, noticing the confusion, explained, "Hisagi-san kidnapped her from the Human world specifically to heal you. It seems he had this all planned out... But he didn't think it would backfire so badly on him, that the drug would be so powerful and have such a bad side effect..." Izuru leaned against his hand, "The drug needed to be out of your system before any healing could have been done. The fact the wounds were inflicted on the tattoos didn't help either," Kira couldn't help but pause again. He wasn't at all used to talking so much at once, but it seems alcohol did wonders on him, "...your arms were reattached easily because the drug didn't get the chance to get through the veins much due to you being suspended against the wall," Renji was honestly stunned. How much did the blond know..? Did the entire Gotei 13 know, too..?

"Wait... You said Ichigo confronted sempai..?"

"Y-yes..." Kira stuttered, clenching fists on the table, staring at the wooden surface, "Kurosaki-san forced Hisagi-san to draw out his zanpakutou, but when he was refused - Kurosaki-san attacked him head on. He was enraged to find out about your condition too... And that was when Hisagi-san couldn't help but draw his own zanpakutou out. Thankfully, the battle didn't last too long, stopped by Kuchiki-taichou's arrival to the 4th HQ..."

Staring at the untouched bottle in Renji's hands, Izuru reached for it, "Can I, please?" Abarai pushed the bottle to him and Kira grabbed it, taking a few hungry gulps, "...Kurosaki-san insisted on Hisagi-san's death even... B-but well, in the end, he was imprisoned... For everything he committed... And as of then, his punishment remained in question..." Izuru leaned against his arm again, "I was allowed to visit him only once, a week ago... He didn't even look at me; his skin was paler than usual, body severely wounded... He was in a bad state, a very bad state..." Kira's voice died down a bit at the last sentence and he went quiet.

Trying to process so much information, Renji stared at his hands for a while, "...Ichigo beat him up that badly..?"

"...I wasn't talking about his physical condition, Abarai-kun..." Renji closed his eyes, listening to something he wished deep inside wasn't true, "He's a mental wreck, Abarai-kun... H-his voice was so monotonous, dark, full of venom, sorrow and turmoil, I couldn't recognize it at first... He simply sat there, giving me short answers... Digging fingers into the wounds on his arms, through bandages he refused to get changed since a month ago... I... I'm so worried about him I don't know what to do..."

Renji's head started to spin... This couldn't be happening. Not to them... Not to Shuuhei. And the worst part was... He was to blame for everything... Everything...

Kira took three more gulps, cringed a bit as he looked at Renji with pleading eyes, "I... I don't know what happened between you two for everything to end up so badly, b-but...please..." he leaned forward, bowing low, his hands neatly on the table, forehead against the surface, "...I beg you, with every bit of my soul... Please, Abarai-kun... Go talk to him."

Renji was a bit stunned to hear that plea, his eyes saddening, "Um... Sorry, Kira. I don't think I can right now..." it's true, he was worried about Shuuhei, but the man broke his trust... And he was the one to cause both of their sufferings. Above all, he was sure Hisagi-san didn't wish to see hi-...

Isn't that what he thought the time he broke it off with him..? The reason why everything resulted in all of this..?

Renji's eyes widened slightly at the realization and Kira's words only added to it all, "You are the only one who can get through to him... Please, Abarai-kun... I want for things to be back the was they were... I want for us to be the same again..."

And Renji made his decision. He still cared about Hisagi too much. They needed to talk this through, to finally resolve it...

Letting out a breath, be stood up, his hands against the table, "Alright, Kira. I'll do it."

The blond stared up at him, a rare, thanking smile on his face.

* * *

Getting permission to visit a prisoner was actually easy for Renji. He didn't even have to fill in any papers. Mentally, he questioned his luck, especially since he was the one hurt by the man, the reason why Hisagi ended up there in the first place, but decided not to dwell on it as he was led through countless corridors, through countless empty cells, some of which contained bones or rotten flesh, a disgusting smell lingering in the air.

This was a hell hole...

Shuuhei's cell was located on the first floor of the underground prison... Why? He wasn't a criminal, he wasn't dangerous... Shuuhei was a generous, kind man, one that needed help, someone to talk to and be shown how much he is cared for... Renji couldn't begin to feel sorry... He needed to get Hisagi back. It's the least he could do for him now.

Finally, he was standing before the cell. It was a dark one, so he couldn't see anything inside, just that it wasn't empty. Blinking a few times, trying to get used to the darkness, Abarai finally started noticing a figure lying on the cold floor instead of the bench, leaning against the wall with his back towards him, motionless. Was he asleep?

"Sempai..." Renji let out quietly, sadly.

Remembering the prison guard, he turned to look at him, standing right behind. Was he going to stand there and listen to whatever they were going to talk about..? Hmm...

Walking over to the unsuspecting man, Renji pulled out a handful of coins, wordlessly showing them to the man, finding a pocket and shoving them inside. The guard stared at Renji for a second longer, but he got the idea and, bowing slightly, walked away, turning a corner in the far end of the corridor they entered through.

Slowly turning to face Hisagi, the man still motionless, as if he was no longer aware of anything around him, Renji walked over to the cell, touching the bar, his expression as sad as ever, "Hey, sempai..." he said gently, but loudly enough for Shuuhei to hear.

There was an instant reaction from the brunet as his body flinched at the sound of Renji's voice. Slowly, he sat up, turning his head, eyes wide in horror as he looked at the redhead, who couldn't help but notice how messed up Hisagi was, staring at him with shocked eyes of his own. Shuuhei's eyes were dull and tired, colorless, dark orbs around them, skin paler in contrast to his usual bronzed color, tear trails still visible on the face. He seemed a bit thinner now too, hair a mess, shihakushou ripped in some places, bandages undid on his arms, dry blood and dirt on the deep wounds, some of them fresh. The smell in the air wasn't pleasant either.

Renji's legs gave out and he dropped to the floor in shock from the sight, the most painful sight in the world right now. His sempai, such a usually smiling being was currently... Yes, Kira was right... A total wreck.

And he was the one to blame...

"Renji..." came a hoarse, dull voice as the man crawled towards him slowly. The redhead was still shocked himself, so he didn't move away when a dirty hand reached for his cheek through the bar, putting it there gently, too gently, as if he would disappear at anything more.

Sudden tears started flowing down Hisagi's face, Renji's heart clenching at the sight, at the loud sob, the body before him and the hand on his cheek shaking, "I... I thought for sure I would never see you again," a broken scream sounded throughout the place, echoing, "I...thought I killed you..." the lean of that scarred face against the bars, "I was so scared, afraid of that... I wouldn't be able to live without you..." another sob and more tears, "...I tried killing myself, I hoped Kurosaki would have killed me...or Akon's damn experiment... But I am still here," he crawled at the three marks on his face with his other hand, "If only I knew my bullshit would result in your almost death, I would have just fucking killed myself instead," he was screaming now, letting everything out, but then, everything stopped abruptly as he looked up at Renji with eyes full of sorrow and misery, "W-why... Why did you come here after everything I did to you... Why..? I don't deserve to even glance at your face," the hand on Renji's cheek started pulling away.

His shock finally subduing, Renji reacted fast, grabbing Shuuhei's, holy shit how much thinner, hand before it pulled away, holding it in place against his cheek, letting out a breath, eyes closing, "I'm here...because I still care for you, sempai. And so does Kira…and everyone else," he opened his eyes, firmly looking at Shuuhei, "...So, this is the result of my sin... I did all of this to you..." his eyes were sad, "...but please, I beg you, don't ever say you want to die... Please, sempai, don't do this to me..."

Shuuhei's expression was a mix of surprise and sadness, voice monotonous, "How... How can you still think about my well-being after everything I have done to you..? I hurt you so much..."

"I hurt you even more, Shuuhei," Renji reached out his hand, placing it on Hisagi's cheek, staring into dark eyes, "And I... I am not at all mad about what you did. I understand why... I understand your pain. If I were in your shoes, I would have snapped even sooner," he paused a second, seeing Shuuhei open his mouth to say something, but placed a finger on his lips, "We have been through so much together, yet I pushed you away so easily, as if we were strangers. I never should have left you like that... I should have waited to hear what you had to say at least... Shuuhei, you were an amazing lover, one of a kind... You deserve happiness, true joy in life... And I'll always be there for you, to support...but as a friend," Renji smiled a bit, watching Hisagi's eyes softening. He was so glad, "I still trust you more than anyone else in this world. Hell, I trust you more than myself even," he let out a small laugh, "...I'm just... I'm sorry for not telling you this sooner, for ignoring your feelings...but I was sure you wouldn't want to see me for a while after that," Renji felt like he was talking nonsense now. He was laying everything that came to mind first, everything that he has been thinking in the past months...and he wasn't sure he was conveying his feelings in the right way, so he shut his mouth after that.

Not that Renji would know, but this was the first time Shuuhei smiled genuinely in months, this is the first time the man was at ease...the first time his heart was filled with warmth. Leaning against Renji's hand, Shuuhei closed his eyes, letting a light smile adorn his features, "...Idiot," he snickered a bit, opening his eyes to a sheepish grin on Renji's face, "I have been waiting to hear those words for so long... Thank you," Shuuhei looked at the floor of his cell, "I have no right to be forgiven for what I have done... And I know we won't be the same anymore, but I'm glad... I'm happy to know I haven't lost your trust still..." his eyes returned to look into Renji's, "I want to see you happy, I really do... And since I can't be the one to make you happy, I'm intrusting your smile to Kuchiki-taichou... No matter how corny that sounds," he let out a short laugh, followed by Renji's and a comment about how truly fucking corny it really was.

It's truly amazing how fast moods can change when you are with the right person. Both Hisagi and Abarai know each other inside out, all of their feelings are intertwined; they can communicate even without saying a word to one another, because they understand each other so well, as if they were talking to a mirror... And that's why they can talk things through easily; forgive for both of their sins, for both of their missteps. Either of them would have reacted the same way if the roles were reversed... There was no way around it, everything happened for a reason and it was inevitable, but it's the result that counts... And the fact their bond was unbreakable is a fact.

Shuuhei still had deep feelings for Renji, ones that wouldn't go away so easily, but... He could let go of Renji now at least. He could finally move on and try finding his own happiness, the kind Renji had. He didn't know yet how or when, but he was euphoric the redhead understood him, what he was going through... That he wasn't ignored... And now, he could finally shut the darkness within himself again, because he found strength, radiating and filling his soul through the warm hand on his cheek.

Hisagi was born anew... And along with him - so was Renji. Both of them learned too much from this experience. And there was no way the same mistakes would be done twice. Because they had each other, because their bond didn't falter even once.

And that is what they call a true bond of souls.

Leaning their backs against one another against the cell bars, both had equal grins plastered on their faces.

"Holy shit, seriously? You let Akon use that fucked up chair on you?" Renji turned his head a bit to look at the brunet, "Why would you even volunteer? Didn't it fucking hurt?"

"Not really..." Shuuhei laughed a bit, "I learned that in a right state of mind, one doesn't feel pain...exactly. Besides, I needed it, since I thought it could kill me, but for some reason, I am still alive," Hisagi scratched the back of his head, "I thought you were dead, so I tried to find a way to follow in your steps... Dammit, not even Kurosaki got a chance to kill me...for hurting his friends like that. At that time, I was actually upset it didn't happen."

"Sempai..." Renji's voice was concerned.

"...But you know, regarding Akon-san, Kurotsuchi-san is interesting. He didn't even punish him. On a contrary, he made him enjoy torturing me," Shuuhei let out a genuine laugh, "I honestly don't understand how their minds work."

"Neither do I..." Renji blinked, leaning against Hisagi's back again, "But you know, you should have ate and slept more...and healed those wounds. It's bad to leave such marks unattained."

"Nah, it's okay. They don't even hurt anymore," Hisagi smiled, "But we are both bandaged up idiots anyway, aren't we?"

"Liar..." Renji replied to Shuuhei's comment regarding his wounds not hurting, hearing the other chuckle, so he couldn't help but smile himself, a thought hitting his mind, "...hey, when you're out, let's go drinking."

Sudden silence fell between them as Hisagi lowered his head and Abarai turned around to look at him, "What's wrong..? I thought we had it all sorted out now... You don't want to?" Renji's heart clenched for a moment.

Hisagi shook his head, "It's not that, Renji. I would love to go drinking with you again, for old times' sake, especially since I am getting released tomorrow, but I can't..." he trailed off.

"Huh? But that's great. You are getting out of this hell hole. Everything is going to return to the way it was. C'mon, dammit, don't deny my offer," Renji frowned.

After a short pause, Shuuhei raised his eyes to look at the ceiling, sighing, a sad smile on his face, "Like I said, I would love to, but I can't... I... I am leaving Seireitei tomorrow. I can't stay here."

"What the hell are you fucking saying..?" Renji was confused at this point, "Why would you do that? What about us, your friends? What about work? The Ninth still doesn't have a Taichou and...just...what the fuck?"

Shuuhei chuckled under his breath, "I should be thankful. I got off so easily thanks to all of my decades of hard work, a clean record and everything," sighing, the brunet turned to look at Renji, his eyes sad, but a smile plastered on his face, "Renji... I got discharged."

Renji's eyes went wide at that, horrified.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	4. Chapter Four: Healing

**Author's Note:** Sorry it took a while... And this was supposed to be the last chapter, but because I got more plot bunnies, I am going to continue it a bit more... I want to do something crazy, so yeah... Well, this is my fic, so I can technically do whatever I want with it, right..? XD

**Warning for this chapter:** "surprise couple"...and then it's your choice to read this story or not after.

_**Chapter Four: Healing**_

Inhaling deeply, Shuuhei took in the sight for a millionth time. Rukongai, his home town... It may be the most dangerous and awful place to be at out of any, but... It was still home.

Sitting on top of a near hill, he couldn't help but smile lightly. And this is the place he would have to call his home again. Quite fitting for a demon, if he had to say so himself. At least those he cared for most would be out of harm's way.

Hisagi was unstable... He himself concluded that, thus he saw his leave as a blessing. No matter how you look at things, he should have gotten a death penalty. It's true, ever since that Kurosaki kid came to Soul Society, he changed everything... Be it rules and views alike. He even got to know who the captains from different Divisions were. No more secrets, no more death sentences, even Aizen was still alive... Not that he wasn't worse than even Aizen himself now...

Everything was perfect because of one boy, the boy he fought just a month ago. How strange, he always viewed Kurosaki Ichigo as someone who had a clear mind, great combat skill... How else could he get so far in Seireitei? But it turns out he viewed this man quite wrongly. His biggest strength are his will and friends. Shuuhei should have known.

And he wouldn't have been able to beat him at that point, at the point where he lost everything. He couldn't feel gratitude for Kuchiki-taichou though. He wished for death, but perhaps... Maybe Kuchiki-taichou thought it was a too easy way out for him? He wouldn't be surprised, even though it was hard to see what the man is thinking... How Renji does it, he would never know. Oh, wait, he doesn't. Shuuhei let out a short chuckle.

Yeah, he really missed Seireitei, but he would have to accept this fate of his as a fact. He was truly happy to be alive.

The only regret he had is that he didn't get to take his guitar with him...his pride and joy. He valued that item so much, too, and yet... Well, hopefully, Kira will take good care of it.

Ah, Kira... The only person he went to see before his leave. Shuuhei will never forget the look on the blond's face, his precious item in those thin hands, holding it tight to his chest. Tears were running down his face at that point and... Strangely, this reminded Shuuhei of the time Ichimaru-taichou left. The guilt Shuuhei felt then was excruciating. Nothing could compare to the pain in his chest...except for the time he thought he killed Renji, or was left by said man... So he caressed Kira's hair, pulling the short lock of hair behind his ear, grinning brightly as he watched the blond calm down slowly.

Shuuhei remembered thinking, _No, Kira. I am not like Ichimaru-taichou..._ and he said out loud, "I'll be back as soon as possible. Come visit me in Rukongai for the time being!"

Truth be told, he knew he wouldn't come back ever again. There was no way he would be permitted to. His days as a Fukutaichou, as a Shinigami, were over. The only things left for him to remember those days by are the tattoos on his face... And that fit body he managed to achieve through so many decades of training and hard work.

Absentmindedly, Shuuhei wondered what became of his Division. Did they get a new Taichou yet? He hoped it was someone right for the job. Too bad he would never get to know who it is now.

Sighing, the brunet stood up, slowly going down the hill and into the town of starvation, thievery and death. Nothing changed at all here. Nothing at all...

Shuuhei didn't know how long he would get to live like this, despite his strength, but it wasn't like he had anywhere else to go.

Perhaps, it was really best this way... Yes, it really was. And with that thought in mind, he went down the road.

* * *

"Were you the one who discharged Hisagi-san, Kuchiki-taichou?!" Renji all but yelled as he stood before Byakuya's desk, leaning his hands against it as he glared at the man.

He didn't want for things to end this way, for him to face Byakuya, but he didn't have a choice in this case. He really couldn't think of anyone else who could possibly be responsible for that.

Byakuya looked up at Renji, his expression as stoic as ever, "Did I not beseech you to stay in bed?"

Renji's eyes went wide at that and you could see he was about to blow up like a volcano, but he collected himself just in time. Of course, time and time again, he had to remember that he could get nothing out of Byakuya with anger...

"With all do respect, Kuchiki-taichou, I am sorry for my outburst. May I please know the reason for your discharge of Hisagi Shuuhei?" Renji almost choked on his own words. He never liked speaking in an "official" tone, but this situation called for it.

It was ridiculous to address your own lover like that, but they were a Taichou and Fukutaichou first and foremost. Plus, Renji wasn't a clueless idiot... He knew the fact he was spending time with Shuuhei, that they had connections in any way again, was making Byakuya jealous...if not more. He couldn't blame him, if he were in his shoes, he would have already done colossal damage out of plain jealousy. The fact Byakuya didn't show signs didn't mean he wasn't feeling that way. Over the years, Renji learned that... Even though sometimes, he wished the man was blunter when it came to his feelings, his heart, Renji could do nothing about it. He loved this man the way he was without fail, after all... Without fail.

Byakuya held a few documents in his hands as he closed his eyes, replying monotonously, "I do not know who was the one responsible for Hisagi Shuuhei's discharge, but I more than applaud such a decision. Now, if that is all, Abarai-Fukutaichou, there is work needed to be done."

Renji blinked, "Sooo, you weren't the one who kicked him square in the ass out of Seireitei?"

Byakuya raised his eyes at Renji again, slight annoyance visible in them, "I cannot be held responsible for such a deed when I am a Sixth Division Taichou. I do not have any authority over the Ninth Division, especially to discharge a Fukutaichou so simply," Byakuya paused and at that moment Renji's expression changed from confusion to complete understanding, "What is more... I would never stoop so low, Renji. I believed you knew me better than that."

Renji's expression turned warm at those words as he smiled tenderly, "I know. That's why I wanted to make sure... In my shitty, kinda, way," Renji snickered sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head, leaning his elbows against the desk, "I'm sorry for this...for blaming you like that out of the blue... I simply know you are not comfortable with the whole situation, so... Yeah, I thought you could do it, but I'm glad you really are innocent."

Byakuay's fingers twitched, "I believe I understand the reason for such an accusation..." he thought about his words next, "I heard word you visited Hisagi Shuuhei in prison, despite what he has done to you..." an indescribable emotion was now visible in Byakuya's eyes, "Am I... Losing you..?"

Renji's eyes went wide at that, but then, they softened again as he sat over the desk, a few piles of paper dropping to the floor, holding Byakuya's cheek, "Don't _ever_ even _consider_ something like that. I love you, Kuchiki Byakuya," he kissed Byakuya's forehead and lips, "Hisagi Shuuhei is like a brother to me at this point. Whatever we had is now in the past..." he caressed Byakuay's locks, smiling tenderly, "There is no one else more dear in my heart than you," he reached for Byakuya's hands, "Please, believe me... I may not have proven my feelings for you recently, because of what happened, but... Know they are true."

If it was possible, Byakuya almost smiled... His whole face lightened with such emotion it was hard to imagine. Then, he kept his cool and pulled his hands away from Renji. He really didn't know Renji could be such a romantic sap... But he was more than glad for it in this case. More than glad, "Thank you for such words, Renji. I am glad to have heard them...truly..." he looked into Renji's eyes, happy to see that goofy grin plastered on his face, "...now please, get off the desk, put the papers back in place and return home to rest... That's an order."

"Wha-?!" Renji almost fell off the desk, "Wh-wait wait wait... Hold on a sec," he waved his hand in the air comically, "...Okay, I'll go home and rest as soon as I figure out how Hisagi got discharged, alright?" he laughed a bit.

"...Perhaps you should stop worrying about him so much," Byakuya muttered, his fists clenching lightly.

Sighing, Renji cupped Byakuya's cheeks, "...stop feeling jealous. I told you, you are the only one for my heart," and he kissed Byakuya deeply, putting all of his feelings into that one kiss.

Renji knew he made his lover go through so many things already... And of course he knew it seemed strange he still cared about Shuuhei so much... After everything that happened to him. Goddammit, he almost died at his hands. Still... No, he didn't think he forgave easily. In fact, if it was anyone else, he would have already sent them to hell... But it was Hisagi. And he used to love him beyond words. Did he still have feelings for him or something? He didn't know. Abarai was confused...and he didn't know where his confusion would lead him, but for the time being, getting Shuuhei back was a top priority. His place was there, with them. And he still thought of himself as the one responsible for everything that happened. He started it, he should figure out how to end it in the best way possible.

Renji was the reason for Shuuhei's discharge, but he didn't even put in a complaint... It must have been someone with great authority who could have done this. But...who? The Ninth Division still didn't have a Taichou, so... Was it the old man or- Damn, he couldn't think. Who was smart to figure this out?

Making his way out of the Sixth Division HQ, Renji turned for the Third. He honestly couldn't think of anyone smarter than Kira to figure this out.

Ever since those events, the entire Gotei 13 has been whispering around what happened. Some of the rumors were most ridiculous. Renji was even less surprised about Byakuya's mistrust and distress. Well, there was nothing he could do about those rumors except take them and hope they would stop in the end. He wouldn't be surprised if the ones spreading those rumors were people he knew oh so well... Damn them to hell...

The sun was already setting over the horizon as Renji finally made it over to the Third, going straight to the office. Knocking on the door once, he heard a quiet "come in" and as he opened the door, he was...

Shocked beyond words...

There, on the desk, with his leg prompted on it, sat the new Third Division Taichou - Rose Otoribashi. He was swaying his head up and down, lost in his own world, playing an air guitar.

As soon as he saw Renji, he made an imaginable hand gesture, as if for the last, loud tune of some imaginable song, stopping what he was doing, crossing his legs instead, his expression turning to a serious one, "How may I help you?"

Renji, finally snapping out of his shocked trance, shook his head, "Ugh, I was just looking for Kira, but he's not here, it seems... Do you perhaps know where he is?"

"Aah, my lovely inspiration of a Fukutaichou," Rose held his breath, "I am so lucky to be the one holding responsibility for the Third Division! It's full of glorious, unimaginable... _Art_!"

All Renji could do was stare at the scene quietly as the man waved his hands back and forth, trying to be as patient as humanly possible... Which he was not.

As Renji opened his mouth to ask again, Rose replied, "No, I have no idea where he ran off to. He must have left to attend some important business. He took some documents with him."

"...okay, thanks," was all Renji could managed as he slammed the door, getting away from that place as fast as he could. It was too weird...and not in a best possible way.

Sighing, he stopped in the middle of the street, looking up at the sky. What was he supposed to do now?

"Hey, Renji. Got a minute?"

Blinking, the redhead was surprised to see the man he didn't expect to see. This day was too odd, too full of surprises, "Ichigo..?"

* * *

Shuuhei stretched his muscles and sighed. It was time to call his second day in Rukongai over. He didn't get into trouble so far at all, so it was all good. He was also a bit famished, but he wouldn't complain. He didn't take much money with him for a reason. If he was going to live here, he might as well do it the way it should be done. As a child, he did fend for himself, so that's how it's going to be again. No complains and no regrets. He did this to himself.

Sometimes, he wondered why he always returned to this hill over Rukongai. Was it because of the view..? Or was it because he could see Seireitei better from here?

If he ever said he wasn't at all missing his life as a Shinigami already, he would be lying. But he knew he didn't have a choice, so Shuuhei decided to stop complaining and take things as they were.

It was such a beautiful sunset...

"Hisagi-san!"

Surprised, Shuuhei turned to see Kira, who stood a few meters away from him, out of breath. Standing up, Hisagi blinked at the blond, but then smiled, "Hey, Kira. Here for a visit? It has only been, like, two days, you know?" he took in the blond's appearance, "You look well at least... Though you really shouldn't go out wearing a shihakushou outside Seireitei and-"

"Why did you discharge yourself?!" Izuru screamed uncharacteristically, holding out one of the pieces of paper he had with him, "Why?!"

Shuuhei stared at that paper with his own handwriting, surprised, his eyes sad, turning his head to look somewhere other than at Izuru, "Dammit, I told them to keep it a secret..."

Kira calmed down, standing straight, a miserable expression on his face, "...did you honestly think things would be better if you left like that? Well, you are wrong! Dead wrong..." he looked at the ground.

"...well," Shuuhei started, "What else could I have done..? Stay there and live as if nothing has happened? As if I hadn't lost control over myself? To be feared of..? Yes, with all of my being, I...think I made the right decision. It's for the best."

"Is it really..?" Izuru came closer to Shuuhei, "Renji forgave you... The entire Gotei 13 knows you as a kind man, a hardworking one. We all know you wouldn't normally do something like that... Hisagi-san, we know and trust you..." Kira's eyes were pleading, "So please..." he bowed, "Please return to Seireitei! Please return to Gotei 13...and resume your operation as a Ninth Division Fukutaichou once more...please..." Kira's voice was starting to break.

Letting out a breath, Shuuhei hugged the blond man, looking down at him, "...thank you for not giving up on me, Kira... Thank you for saying all of those things, but..." Shuuhei smiled, "I am a monster. I don't deserve my position. I am no longer qualified, I am no longer the 'kind' man you say I am..." he wiped a tear running down Izuru's face, despite the fact how much Kira tried to hide it, he still saw it, "Besides, even if I wanted to return, I no longer can. Once you fill in this paper, it cannot be undone."

Kira wiped at his eyes, "Yes it can be, Hisagi-san...like this..." he ripped it up into millions of tiny pieces, "...and it is said... If all of the Fukutaichous vote for your return... Y-you...can..." Izuru let out a breath, "None of the Fukutaichous are against your return... Especially not even Renji. He even went to discuss this matter with Kuchiki-taichou... Since we thought he was the one who discharged you..."

Shuuhei stood quiet for a little while, then laughed a bit, "Even if I can return, who would wish for my return..? I have nothing left..."

"Th-that's not true...at all..." Kira whispered, "I-I..." he dared to look up at Shuuhei, "I want you back..."

Hisagi stared down at the blond, then ruffled his hair, smiling, "Thanks, Kira. You're a real frie-"

"I want you back because I...l-love...you..."

Shuuhei's eyes went wide as he stared down at Kira, watching his expression, his eyes. Indeed, his eyes held that deadly emotion... They did...

Why didn't he notice it before..?

A sad smile appeared on Hisagi's face now, "I...I truly appreciate your feelings for me, Kira. I really do, b-but... I..."

"I know, Hisagi-san... And it's okay... As long as you just return to Seireitei..."

"H-hey..." Shuuhei pinched Kira's nose, "Please don't be like that... It's not like I can't fall for you...given enough time..." Izuru looked up at Shuuhei, surprised, as the man continued, "...Kira, you know you are gorgeous... I don't see why I wouldn't try..." Shuuhei laughed lightly, "In fact, I don't know where I was looking all this time... How I didn't notice your feelings... Damn, this is too awkward..."

Kira let out a small chuckle, "...probably at Renji, you know..."

"Y-yeah..." Shuuhei smiled embarrassingly, kissing Kira's forehead, "...okay, I'm convinced enough. Let's go home."

Kira couldn't begin to explain how euphoric he had felt. It didn't matter to him how awkward it all was... As long as he at least got to see Shuuhei everyday, he truly didn't care.

Shuuhei was happy to know someone still cared for him...to this extend even. He had a reason to come back to Seireitei again...and perhaps start anew.

And the sun set as the two held each other, close to their hearts.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	5. Chapter Five: Burning

**Author's Note:** yesterday, I suddenly got too excited about this story and wanted to write more, thus the chapter is up so fast. Unfortunately, the next one is going to have to wait a while, probably, since I have lots of paperwork to do and so little time... But, knowing me, I may write another one at random next weekend... I don't know... Here is another chapter anyway.

I know it's a bit shorter than the previous ones I did recently...still longer than the first chapter at least, haha. XD

I also had to change general warnings a bit, since this is going to get even more messed up couples-wise and it's no longer just ByaRen in the picture... Well, I hope no one minds it.

_**Chapter Five: Burning**_

_"...You know, I'm really against that Hisagi-character, Renji..." Ichigo said, leaning against the wall, watching the redhead clench his fists as he remained glued to his spot._

_"You may not like him, but it doesn't mean he's a bad person," Renji replied bluntly, frowning at his companion, "Since when do you judge people by one single misstep?"_

_Ichigo snorted to the side at that, "I don't usually, but in this case..." he went quiet for a second, "The bastard not only almost killed you, he also kidnapped Inoue from the Human world. What's his deal anyway?!" Ichigo spat, "And you know better than even me I will kill anyone who harms any of my friends!"_

_Renji almost rolled his eyes, "Inoue is okay. She was not harmed at all... And I am healed now, too. Idiot, you should learn to let go of the past," Renji was beginning to feel rather annoyed by Ichigo. He knew all too well where he was coming from, but..._

_Ichigo made a disgusted facade at that, "Why are you protecting him so much?.. Do you still have feelings for that monster or something?"_

_"...so what if I fucking do? Got a problem with that?" Renji snapped, a bit outraged, "Don't ever fucking call Hisagi a monster..."_

_Ichigo blinked, thinking about it for a bit, then his face changed to normal, "...I...see..." he shook his head in disbelieve, "...what mess have you gotten yourself into this time?"_

_"I have no idea..." Renji replied truthfully, staring at the ground._

_Both men remained silent for a moment till Ichigo decided to break it, "...I guess I should get going. I see what's going on here now..." he shrugged, already turning on his heels, "Wish you luck with your...personal matters. You'll surely need it."_

_"Wait," Renji watched Ichigo stop in his tracts, "Seriously, Ichigo... Don't do anything stupid and let this whole matter slide already. You hear me?"_

_"Yeah yeah..." Ichigo waved his hand in a dismissing manner without turning around, walking away._

_Renji stood there a moment longer, watching his friend, then turned for the 6th Division barracks._

_He failed to notice Ichigo was walking in the direction of the 5th Division HQ._

Smiling brightly, Shuuhei was glad to be walking the corridors of his 9th Division again. Everyone greeted him warmly and he couldn't help but be absolutely thrilled. He was truly happy to be back.

Entering the main office, he simply stood there, taking a deep breath, looking around the entire room. He was certain he wouldn't be back here again. If it weren't for Kira, he honestly wouldn't have returned. He owed so much to the blond... So much...

The first thing Kira did as they returned to Seireitei was give him his precious guitar back. It was a marvelous moment...

Smiling even brighter at the memory, Shuuhei made his way to the desk, sitting down in the Taichou's chair, looking at all of the piles of paper that has yet been taken care of, especially since he has been slacking off in the past months. Now that he was better, on a mental level especially, he could do his job again. That trip to prison and Rukongai after sure did him good. Running a hand over the surface of the desk, Shuuhei still couldn't believe his eyes.

This was where he belonged. He was home.

Taking a few papers from the pile, he was about to read them when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," Hisagi didn't bother to raise his eyes from the papers.

"Sorry to intrude..." came an unfamiliar voice and that was when Shuuhei couldn't help but look up, only for his eyes to go wide.

"Ugh, n-no no, please, come in," Shuuhei almost jumped from his seat to bow, only for the man to wave his hand in a calming manner.

It was him, Shuuhei would recognize his childhood hero anywhere at any time - Kensei Muguruma, the former Division 9 Taichou. This was an honor beyond any Hisagi could imagine, to be in a presence of such a man.

Kensei was looking around the office, "...I can't believe nothing changed in so many years..." he said to himself as he stepped towards the desk, "...Are you the current Fukutaichou?"

"Y-yes," Shuuhei bowed his head more. Gods, he could hardly believe this was happening. He didn't know how to act in front of this man at all. Momentarily, he seriously felt like a fangirl.

"Hmm..." Kensei rubbed the back of his neck, "Are you aware I will be resuming my position as the 9th Division Taichou as of today?"

What?! This was the first time Hisagi heard of it. Stepping away from the desk, he started muttering, "I am truly sorry. I was not informed of this," it seems maybe this man wasn't aware of his leave, "Please, excuse my insolence..."

"Don't sweat it, kid," Kensei ran a hand over the desk, eyeing the very visible tattoo on Shuuhei's cheek, strangely a lot like his own, "...What's your name?"

Kid?

Name?

...Deja vu..?

Shuuhei raised his head, "Hisagi Shuuhei. It's a pleasure and honor to be working with you."

"Yeah, same he-" Kensei paused for a moment, thoughtful, "Familiar name... Haven't we met somewhere before..?"

Hisagi smiled widely, tenderly, "We have... A long time ago..."

* * *

"Oh, hey, Kira!" Renji caught up with his friend on the street, "Heading for the bar?"

"Y-yeah..." Kira smiled a tiny bit, a light shade of pink adorning his features, "Aren't you, Abarai-kun?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Renji laughed, snuggling an arm around Kira's shoulders, "You know, I was looking for you yesterday."

"R-really?" Izuru was stunned, looking up at Renji from the corner of his eye, "Why..?"

"Oh, I thought you could figure out who discharged sempai... And you did! Great job for bringing him back!" Renji grinned brightly, hitting Kira's back lightly.

The blond's blush couldn't get any redder, "I-it was nothing..." he fidgeted.

"Hmm..?" Renji stared down at his friend, a bit confused, "What's up with you?" he bended a bit as they were walking, taking a better look at Kira's face.

"It's nothing, Abarai-kun..." Izuru's reply was too fast as he looked away.

"Ooohh..?" Renji smirked playfully, "What's going on? Is wittle Kira in looove?"

"N-no! I-"

"It couldn't be me, now, could it?" Renji teased more, pinching Kira's side, laughing as the blond shook his head fast, "Who is it, ne, Kira?"

Izuru's face suddenly got serious as he looked up at Renji, then at the ground, "...Is it really shown that much..?"

Renji stared at Kira, confused at the sudden change of mood, "Is it an unrequited love or something..?"

Kira smiled up at Renji, not saying anything as they entered their usual bar, "...You'll find out soon enough..."

* * *

"Aaaaalriiight! Another toast to Hisagi's return!~~" chirped Rangiku, raising her bottle of sake and everyone else followed.

Shuuhei laughed, raising his own bottle, "Jeez, you guys. It's an eight toast this evening..." he smiled brightly, taking a gulp anyway along with everyone, his other hand around Kira's waist.

It was already midnight...and Renji was trying his best not to stare at the new couple the entire time. He honestly had no idea Kira had the hots for sempai... Nor did he think sempai was so eager to- actually, what was he thinking? He had Byakuya. Shuuhei deserved happiness too and he couldn't think of anyone better suited than Kira.

Then...why was his chest so heavy? Ridiculous. He shouldn't be feeling this and yet...

Fuck... No way...

All of his thought processes stopped as he witnessed Hisagi kiss Kira in front of everyone. He saw everyone encouraging them, Kira strangely eager to kiss back too, probably because he was already drunk... He saw all of the reactions, yet he couldn't hear anything.

Shouldn't he be happier for them, especially after everything that they went through..? His two best friends found each other, he should be glad for their happiness... Right..?... But one of those friends was Hisagi...

Renji told himself he didn't have feelings for Shuuhei anymore ever since he got together with Byakuya. That was supposed to be the case. His Taichou swept away his heart, but... Why was he feeling like this right now? Was he jealous..? Gods, how much more selfish could he get..? It's not like he could have both sempai and Kuchiki-taichou. And it wouldn't be fair on Kira...just...what the he-

"Yo, Renji!" Ikkaku punched the redhead out of his trance, "C'mon, let's have another drinking match!"

Shaking his head, Renji grinned as brightly as he could manage at that moment, "Nah, I don't feel so well at all. I need to step outside," and Renji was out the door before anyone could say anything.

"What's with him?" Ikkaku turned to Yumichika who only shrugged, filling himself another bowl gracefully.

Shuuhei sat there with Kira's head on his lap, the blond already sleeping from drinking so much, caressing the blond locks as he stared after Renji.

Outside, Renji took a deep breath, his eardrums still pounding from all of the noise in the bar, staring up at the starry sky, at the bright moon. Raising his hand up towards it, he wanted to clench his hand into a fist, to tell himself he already reached it, but he lowered his hand. The moon was even further away now than ever before...and with it, so was Byakuya.

He could only think about sempai...and that fact alone saddened and frightened him more than anything else. He didn't know what he was supposed to do now anymore. He was too confused about his feelings... Too confused about his heart.

Sighing, Abarai let out a deep breath as he felt a too familiar reiatsu behind him. Could he honestly face the brunet right now..? It was really not the perfect time...

"Hey, you have been rather quiet the entire evening... Something bothering you?" Shuuhei stepped beside Renji, also looking up at the sky.

"Oh, I have? Damn, didn't even notice..." Abarai snickered a bit, "Sorry about that. It's your "welcome back" party, after all."

"Oh gods, I have been reminded of that the entire evening. You don't need to say that too," Shuuhei let out a small laugh, "But you know, I'm glad. We got to drink together again..."

"Yeah..." Renji muttered, turning to look at Hisagi, who was still staring at the sky.

"...How's Kuchiki-taichou doing?" Shuuhei decided to ask, still not looking at Renji.

"...He's fine, really. You don't even need to ask."

"I guess you're right..." Shuuhei smiled, turning to face Renji now too, that same smile plastered on his face, "Oh, did I tell you about my meeting with-"

"Kensei Muguruma? Jeez, man, you have been talking about him all evening!"

"Hey! I wasn't talking about him the whole evening!" Shuuhei pouted playfully.

Renji let out a laugh, "Seriously? If I were Kira, I would be jealous out of my mind."

"Yeah, sure you would be..." and they both snickered for a bit, wearing those goofy grins.

But those grins disappeared just as quickly as they appeared.

"...do you really like Kira?" Renji dared a question.

"...huh?" Shuuhei stared at him, dumbstruck.

"...I asked if you liked Kira," Renji frowned a bit.

Hisagi huffed under his breath, turning his head to look at the illuminated streets, "What kind of question is that?"

"...it's actually a rather simple one. Is it so hard to answer?" Renji's frown deepened as he watched Shuuhei laugh, "...You don't, do you?"

"Does it really matter? We only started going out. You, of all people, don't need to worry about it..." Shuuhei took a deep breath, "What a lovely evening..." and turned in the direction of the bar, only to be stopped by Renji's hand that grabbed his arm.

"...I have one more question..." Renji stared into Shuuhei's eyes, "Why did you start wearing a sleeved shihakushou? You fucking hate them."

Shuuhei's eyes went dangerously wide at that as he yanked his arm away, "Mind your own fucking business, will you?" and he turned again, only this time, he was slammed against the wall, hissing in discomfort as he yelled, "The fuck is wrong with you, asshole?!"

"Stop dating Kira," Renji said, his voice on edge.

"What?!"

"You heard me, stop dating Kira!" Renji held Shuuhei's wrists.

Hisagi stared at Abarai, shocked out of his mind, trying not to show he was pained by the grip on his arms, "...where the fuck did-...are you drunk or something? Why should I stop dating someone who is going to make me happy just because you are asking me to?!"

"...Happy? Are you seriously that dumb? Kira can't make you happy because you don't love him!" Renji spat.

"Oh, but he loves me. He already confessed! Who said I can't fall for him? Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do after all these months?" Shuuhei was beyond pissed now.

"I am the person you love and you fucking know it!" Renji couldn't believe his own ears. He knew he wasn't being fair, but... Well, one thing was for certain, he would definitely not be able to say this much if it wasn't for alcohol, "I'll say it again... Stop. Dating. Kira!"

"Then you fucking stop dating Kuchiki-taichou!" Shuuhei yelled back, angered, watching Renji lean over to his face, their lips brushing. And Hisagi was eager to reply, but he snapped out of it just in time, taking advantage of Renji's pause and shoving him off, adding, "Fucking bullshit to no end..." rubbing his wrists as he took fast steps towards the bar.

Finding enough strength, Renji added, "...you think I don't know you are cutting?"

Shuuhei paused at the door, then opened it and slammed behind himself, leaving Renji alone in the dark.

Hitting the wall with his fist, enraged and cursing his own existence, Renji couldn't believe the nerve of his own actions, words and especially thoughts. Indeed, the redhead didn't know what he had gotten himself into.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	6. Chapter Six: Choosing

**Author's Notes:** Wow, yeah, this chapter is sooo unexpectedly long, I was shocked myself... *still shocked* Unfortunately, I don't think it's of best quality and description-wise...and I don't think I took the plot in the best of directions, but... Well, what's done is done. I am not going back on my ideas...

...I noticed I used too maaaany dots in this chapter. I apologize.

I am waiting to be bashed too because of this chapter, seriously. XD Feel free to do so.

**Warnings for this chapter:** _**sex in a grotesque/BDSM-way (you have been warned!),**_ couples other than ShuuRen.

_**Chapter Six: Choosing**_

Almost stumbling to the floor, Shuuhei somehow managed to slam the door open to his own room, leaning against it. It was harder to keep enough balance with Kira in his arms, said blond sleeping peacefully. Staring down at the smaller male, Shuuhei, in his half-drunk and half-comatose state couldn't help but feel...envy. At that moment, Hisagi honestly wished to fall asleep and never wake up... To dream of faraway days when he was happy, when he got to carry the love of his life like this after a whole night of drinking. Fuck... He shouldn't be thinking about it.

Struggling to keep balance once more, Shuuhei managed to somehow kick the door shut and make his way towards his bunk, lying Kira on his bed as gently as he could, letting out a breath when he finally managed it. The sun was already rising, its rays lightening the room in splendid colors, making Kira's milky skin look even paler. Stunning...just like a noble's.

Running fingers over Izuru's cheek, Shuuhei's mind started to race, his heart pulsing loudly, his eardrums feeling like they were going to explode. Leaning forward, he lightly, slowly, brushed his lips over the pale skin of Kira's neck, moving up to the blond's face, leaving a trail of kisses along the way, his hands wandering over the thin body experimentally.

Shuuhei was getting hot just from doing this, feeling his cock pulse eagerly, begging for more...much more...

But it wasn't Izuru he was looking at. It was Renji, a sleepy, drunk out of his senses asshole, his bronzed skin glittering in the sunlight, the gorgeous tattoos making the skin look even richer, red locks of hair spread out on the pillow in different directions, his mouth agape, snoring lightly.

Pure perfection... A complete contrast to reality.

And Shuuhei lost it, indulging in his fantasy. It was not Kira he was kissing, it was not the blond he was undressing and touching familiarly. It was not Izuru he was giving all of his love to. It was all Renji...

"Renji..." Hisagi would whisper, letting out a strained whimper as he leaned his forehead against Kira's naked chest, messaging his clothed cock. His wild grey eyes, half lid, staring not at Izuru, but through him as he got lustier...lustier...

Hovering over Kira's face, he would let out a breath, the blond finally steering in his sleep... No, it was Abarai waking up. Oh what a hardcore morning sex they were about to have, what a lovely look in those wild brown eyes he was about to get... Shuuhei licked his lips in anticipation, wishing for nothing more than to devour the redhead on the spot. Shit, he could hardly wait...

Attacking Renji's lips in a forceful and hungry kiss, Shuuhei stared as the eyes fluttered open, all deep blue, just like the clearest sky of a sunny day.

...Blue..?

He was probably too drunk. Abarai didn't have blue eyes. Nipping on the lower lip, Shuuhei kissed down the thin neck, licking at the skin, hands traveling all over the body, feeling it steer under him, tensing.

"Mmm...relax, it's only me..." Shuuhei whispered lustfully, continuing to devour the rich skin, only to be stopped by a pair of thin hands that started pushing at his chest.

"W-wait, Hisagi-san..."

That pleading voice, the white and flawless skin, thin hands, blond hair and blue eyes...

And just like that, the illusion was gone and reality hit Shuuhei head on.

Staring down at Kira, shocked out of his mind, Hisagi had nothing to say as Izuru continued, the blond's voice slightly panicked, "I... I... Don't want to have sex with you, Hisagi-san..."

...what just happened would be enough to kick any drunkard out of the state. Did he seriously just imagine Renji instead of Kira..? He was losing it... Fuck...

He needed to focus. Now.

Shaking his head fast, eyes squeezed tightly, Shuuhei tried to get his senses back together, hardly registering Kira's plea, his eyes wide open at the realization of what he almost did, "Oh, ugh... Sorry, Kira," he managed to grin sheepishly, naturally hiding his true feeling and awkwardness, sitting up, "I didn't want to push you until you were ready. Blame alcohol and how hot you are!" Shuuhei laughed lightly, rubbing the back of his head.

Okay, good. That seemed to have calmed the blond down and he felt the other relax under him.

But what was that miserable expression..?

Kira was on the verge of tears suddenly, turning his head to his right, trying to hide behind the short bang of hair, it not being enough though.

Surprised, Shuuhei reached out to run a hand through blond locks, his mind starting to race again, but for a much different reason, "I, I'm so sorry, Kira! I didn't mean to upset you. I was acting on lustful impulses and-"

"...Hisagi-san, I lied to you," Izuru cut the brunet's rant short, rendering the other speechless and even more confused, but he didn't stop there. A tear ran down his face as he looked up at Shuuhei, saying quietly, "I do not love you..."

Eyes wide, Hisagi felt like something hard just fell on his head, making him lose conscience...and what he was seeing and hearing right now was all part of some sort of dream... Maybe a game...something too twisted... Anything but what it really was.

This was a joke, right? It had to be... Maybe Kira heard him whisper Abarai's name..?

"...but...you said you... At that time... In Rukongai...what?" Shuuhei was stammering, too many thoughts running through his mind to form anything logical, anything at all... What the hell was going on?!

Kira closed his eyes, letting out a painful sob, "I lied to you... To get you back..." he paused, taking a shaky breath, another tear running down his face, "Y-you're the only one who... T-the only one who can... Help me..." the blond covered his face by a hand, sobbing and shaking away, "I-I still... Ichimaru-taichou..."

Eyes widening, Shuuhei understood now what was going on... But his expression saddened too fast. Kira lied to him just to bring him back to Seireitei, to have him by his side to help him get through the pain Kira obviously still felt... Because of that nasty faker of a fox. Because of Ichimaru Gin, Kira was still...

Sighing, Shuuhei wrapped his arms around Izuru, holding the other's head close to himself, caressing blond locks, feeling Kira start sobbing more, "Shh... It's okay, Kira. I'm here for you. I'm here..." he rocked Kira from side to side a bit.

If this was the reason for his return to Seireitei, he didn't mind at all. He didn't love Kira romantically, but he still held Izuru close to his heart. The blond was his closest friend.

And yet... Gods, why did it hurt so badly? Maybe he selfishly wanted for someone to love him. He really didn't want to be alone. He wanted someone to fill the void in his soul... But it seems, it'll stay like that forever.

At least now he understood why he didn't notice Izuru's feelings before... And why at that time in Rukongai, he actually saw love in Kira's eyes. It's true, people see what they want to see... And he was no exception, apparently...

Remembering his almost-kiss with Renji outside the bar just a few hours back, Shuuhei let out a sigh... Renji said he was going to support him as a friend back in prison, huh? Fucking liar... If he still had feelings for him, why couldn't he break up with Kuchiki-taichou..? Yeah... Hisagi would never know, but the redhead would have to choose at some point... Although, he already made his choice three months ago. It should stay at that.

Hisagi would find a way to get through this...somehow... He could start by getting himself some whores...well, why not? Nice way to beat loneliness at least...

Hearing another loud sob of the helpless blond that snapped him out of his trance, Shuuhei held Kira tightest, then pulled away a bit, enough to brush tears off the blond's cheeks, "...Kira, I understand your pain... More than you could ever imagine, but..." no, this was not the right way to say it, Shuuhei knew that as he looked into teary blue eyes, so he decided on a different approach, "...Ichimaru Gin...will never die...here," he held a hand on Kira's chest, feeling a faster than usual heartbeat, "But... You can't dwell on him forever. You need to move on and-" the brunet put a finger on Kira's lips as the other opened his mouth to say something at that point, "Moving on is not forgetting... Do you think Ichimaru Gin would want to see you like this..? He was known for his twisted tastes, but I doubt he would want to see you dwell on his death so much..." Shuuhei pulled a lock of hair behind Kira's ear, "...I think, no, I'm more than sure he would want to see you happy."

Tears stopped running down Kira's face, staring up at Shuuhei, complete gratitude written in his eyes. He couldn't say anything, not a single word, but his eyes spoke louder than a thousand words. They held a tender glow, such a soft and blissful look it made Hisagi's own heart feel warm...and he smiled.

An arm around Kira, Hisagi laid down beside the blond, pulling him close, a calm atmosphere around them.

"...I have been getting a strange feeling while around Abarai-kun lately..." Kira said suddenly, letting out a small yawn.

"...feeling?" Shuuhei had his eyes closed before, thinking about the events that took place recently, trying to understand what he was supposed to do now, how he was supposed to live, but nothing positive was coming to mind, so Kira's comment was almost like a Heaven sent.

"...Y-yes... It's almost as if when I'm around him... I'm in love..."

Narrowing his eyes for a moment, Shuuhei tried to think about it, "...Maybe you fell in love with him? It is a high possibility."

Kira shook his head, chuckling lightly, "No, Hisagi-san. Abarai-kun is reserved for you. I would never."

Shuuhei laughed at that, pinching Kira's stomach, receiving a yelp, "You are talking nonsense, Kira..."

Turning his head back slightly, Kira looked at Hisagi, "Am I?.." he snickered a bit, "I'm happy... You have each other..."

Shuuhei sighed, "...no, Kira. Abarai is with Kuchiki-taichou now... And I lost him, so..." he ran a hand through blond locks, not saying more.

Kira turned around, looking Hisagi in the eye, as if reading him, "...I knew you were still completely in love with him..." he let a tiny smile adorn his features, "...Sorry... For my selfish acts..."

The brunet chuckled, shaking his head, "Don't worry about it..." he kissed Kira's forehead, "Let's sleep."

Shuuhei watched Izuru close his eyes, staring at the peaceful features. It wasn't pleasant to be lied to, but...he would get over it. He didn't have anything to offer to Kira either... Except for support during such...heart-breaking moments when it was especially bad for the blond.

Damn you to hell, Ichimaru Gin, for leaving him. Damn you for wearing an unbreakable mask in front of Kira. Did you know it was going to result in this..? You probably did, because you knew everything. Did you even love Kira?

And for some reason, Shuuhei thought... That the previous Taichou did. He didn't know why, but... Shuuhei could understand the fox-faced man's actions to some extend. Ichimaru Gin was protecting those dear to him... And he did love the blond.

It was truly hard to have anything but tender feelings for Kira... And it was really hard to be at all upset or mad at him. He was so small, so kind... Izuru honestly needed a lot more support and love than he did...

And with that thought, Shuuhei wrapped an arm around the blond tighter, pulling him closest against his chest till the smaller man would fall asleep. He himself was not sleepy...and he felt like going somewhere to keep his mind off things. Good thing they had a day off today.

What a sad time of his lifetime these few months were...

* * *

Closing the door to his room with a light thud, Shuuhei made his way down the hall of the Ninth Division barracks, walking out, the sunlight mercilessly shining upon him. Squinting his eyes, he blinked a couple of times, getting used to the brightness of the morning sun. It was still early and rather chilly and Shuuhei couldn't help but reach for his arms, surprised when his fingers brushed against the material instead of his own skin. Oh... That's right, he started wearing a sleeved shihakushou... Renji thought it was because he was suicidal now and started cutting..? No, Shuuhei didn't leave marks on himself since the time he left prison, but...the scars were still there. There was no way he was going to heal them. Like the scars on his face, he would keep these as the reminder of his shame, mistakes... Hideous mistakes and a huge misstep. He let the demon inside take over... And he deserved to be punished.

So, until the day the wounds become scars, he would wear a sleeved shihakushou. He despised sleeves, but he would bear them till that day at least. He didn't want to be questioned by anyone. It was easier to smile and lie this was his fashion-change than to answer questions and getting sympathy from people.

Yes, this was best...

His sandals made quiet sounds as he walked, the only sound on the streets. There was not a single soul, everyone probably still fast asleep. Shuuhei was with a headache after drinking so much and his mind buzzed since he wasn't used to peace and quiet, especially not recently, but it was still a good change.

After a couple of minutes, he finally made it to his destination – 12th Division HQ. Finally, he was going to relax.

* * *

"Yes yes, come in," came the sound of a too familiar voice of the 3rd seat and Shuuhei entered the office he has seen many times already, it being the same as ever.

Akon was working on something at his desk, no sign he rested that night at all. Well, they sure had something in common...

As soon as Hisagi was in the office, Akon raised his eyes, his mouth twitching in a knowing and sly smirk, "Why, if it isn't my favorite lab rat," all of his previous work forgotten, Akon stood up, slowly making his way around the desk, watching Shuuhei intently as the other stood near that same experimental chair, running a hand over it, his eyes inviting.

"...You should use days off for what they are meant - to rest," Hisagi said monotonously, his mind blanking out.

Just then, a hand was on the brunet's tattooed cheek and he couldn't help a shudder, that same hand gently running up, fingers brushing his hair, almost lovingly, then gripped painfully and pulling back, a hiss escaping Shuuhei as Akon leaned to his face, their lips touching, but not kissing, Akon's breath tickling Shuuhei's face as he spoke, his previous question falling on deaf ears, "...it has only been...less than a week..." Akon ran a hand down Shuuhei's thigh, "...I sure missed my toy..." and he squeezed, his grip on Shuuhei's thigh painful, making the brunet let out a hiss mixed with a small moan. Indeed, Shuuhei was definitely losing it.

Why did he choose Akon's lair in the first place..? He wished he knew himself, but something about this man invited him since the very start... Something very dangerous...

"Really..." Akon leaned to Shuuhei's ear, whispering hotly, "I never thought of you as the type to be into these kinks, Hisagi-Fukutaichou..." Akon nipped on the earlobe, sucking hard on it, almost painfully, "...for you to get as hard as a rock when I was experimenting painful things on your body, while you were sitting on the chair...well..." Akon snickered, nuzzling Shuuhei's neck, "...that excited me..."

Grunting, Shuuhei let out a shaky breath, "You talk too mu-" and he was slapped across the face, his body tensing, cock pulsing already.

"...don't talk back to me..." Akon said calmly, running his fingers over the cheek he just hit gently, lovingly, "Now, come here..." grabbing Shuuhei's arm, he pulled the other along towards the chair.

Licking his lips in anticipation, staring at all of the nails, any though process long since gone, replaced by animalistic senses, Hisagi sat down without a complaint or an argument. Slowly...slowly, hissing and moaning at the pain he felt, his body shuddering, pain coming in waves, coursing throughout his body with only two words running through his mind: 'pure bliss'. He himself didn't think he would feel like this. Ever. It was shocking and very frightening at first, too. There was something wrong with him... And at this point, Shuuhei wouldn't be surprised if he finally lost it. Sick...he was so fucking sick, yet he simply couldn't stop. He accepted this with open arms, with his legs spread far apart and he wouldn't turn back. At least now he could focus on something else other than his problems, other than Renj-

Another slap and Shuuhei stumbled further down against the nails, letting out a small, pain-filled cry, but at the same time, his mouth was agape, drinking every single breath he could get. Even though he was sited on the nails, his back leaning against them too, he had no clue what kind of magic Akon used, but he didn't fall further down on the sharp needles, them simply digging painfully into his flesh. He was bleeding, but it didn't get serious at all.

"...perfection. Your reactions are most surprising. Nothing like I have ever seen before," while Shuuhei tried to catch his breath and prevent himself from shaking and moaning like a whore, Akon grabbed for the brunet's legs, ripping the pants off thanks to the nails, getting presented by a fully erect and leaking cock, "...seriously, just look at the way your body is reacting to this, without any drugs at that. You would be the hardest nut to crack if ever captured by the enemies, Hisagi-fukutaichou."

Pulling Shuuhei down a bit and bending his strong legs, Akon used the leather binds on either side of the chair hands to suspend them. Shuuhei could no longer say anything, no longer master anything adequate as he looked over the position of his body, moistening his dry lips, wanting nothing more than to be treated with more pain... Like a dog, a pet.

Oh hell, this was just too much to bear... Struggling against the binds, Hisagi grunted impatiently, reaching for them with his free hands, only for them to be grabbed painfully, new pain traveling through his entire body, suspended above his head with a rope that was connected to the ceiling right above the chair. Aaah, hell yeah... He could hardly wait.

Akon now used the opportunity to explore Shuuhei's body, ripping the top just as carelessly as he did with the pants, eyeing the hideous marks on Shuuhei's wrists without saying a word, but since he was currently experimenting, he stopped in his ministrations fast, Shuuhei's leaking cock all the more ignored.

Shuuhei let out a whine when Akon's hands pulled away, receiving another slap, the horned-man's face before him, "Patience..." he said in a warning and firm tone, receiving an apologizing lick on his cheek, "Good boy..." Akon was again gentle with Hisagi, too gentle as he caressed the brunet's cheek, luring him into a false sense of security.

"Hmm... No wonder you did what you did to Abarai-fukutaichou. Just look at you, shaking and begging for pain..." smirking at widened grey eyes, Akon grabbed for the chainsaw above the chair, pulling it towards Hisagi's chest, watching the man quiver as the deadly metal touched his skin, "Speaking of Abarai Renji..." he whispered against Shuuhei's ear again, "If you will be a good boy and satisfy me, I will give you a very interesting treat of information."

Why would Shuuhei even bother denying this man when he himself came to him..? He wanted this more than anything. He needed it more than anyth-

Shuuhei let out a scream mixed with a moan as the chainsaw dug into his flesh, coming instantaneously. Akon's eyes glittered in pure amusement, watching the scene before him with scientific interest. He has honestly never seen anything like it before.

Shuuhei quivered in the aftermath, taking hungry breaths, but then, Akon started leaving cuts on his flesh over and over and he couldn't help but bite his lip at the sensation, trying to control the sounds coming from his mouth, feeling his member hardening already, his eyes closed tightly in concentration.

The smell in the air was a mix of blood, sweat and sex. Such a petrifying, yet alluring combination...

Stopping in his ministrations, the horned-man pulled the bloodied chainsaw away, much to Shuuhei's dismay, deciding it was time to play around more seriously. Getting himself a pair of latex gloves, he watched Hisagi's lust-filled eyes open a bit more, before returning to normal. This was all part of the game to make it seem as if Hisagi's skin was not worth of his touches...and for hygienic purposes. Shuuhei's breathing was heavy, blood dripping out of countless cuts all over his body, hands already turning pale from little blood in them, long since stopped struggling. The brunet's legs shook from the uncomfortable position, straining in fact, but also in excitement, muscles clenching and unclenching.

What a sight...

Grabbing Shuuhei's neck, Akon started squeezing lightly, hearing a choking moan, his other hand fingering the cuts, digging into them painfully. Hisagi started thrashing because of the pain, yet loving the chills running down his nervous system, letting out choking sounds and strained moans still, Akon all the while watching his face.

And the 3rd seat was not done till Hisagi's member was hard as a rock once more. Stopping with what he was doing, he raised his bloodied gloved hands to Shuuhei's face, catching a few tears at the corners of the man's eyes, "Shhh..." he cooed, leaving small kisses all over the brunet's face, "It was still too painful, huh? ...No need to feel so low about yourself. I love you, don't you see? I am giving you such an exquisite treatment because I want you..." Hisagi opened his eyes at that, staring at Akon, who kept gently running hands over him, "Shh, my pet. Everything is alright. Enjoy my love while it lasts..." and with that, two gloved fingers were pushed inside Shuuhei's ass, the hand on the neck squeezing more as a loud moan escaped the brunet.

Shuuhei didn't know what happened, but...somewhere in the middle of all the cutting, he felt pain coursing through his chest. The thought of not being wanted or needed occupied his thoughts and heart. Luckily, he was with Akon. And this man knew what to say at the right time.

Shuuhei couldn't' help a light, crazed chuckle. Oh gods, he loved the way this manipulated him. What a game it was... Much like his life.

Akon scissored his fingers around, them traveling in and out easily thanks to the blood, hitting Hisagi's prostate head on and it didn't take long for Shuuhei to come a second time, his muscles clenching, swallowing the fingers that still kept pushing at his prostate, his breathing hard due to the hand on his neck, his load thick, body and thoughts a mess.

He loved it...he truly...loved it.

With a blissful expression on his face, Shuuhei watched Akon undo the binds, losing consciousness seconds after.

* * *

When Hisagi woke up next, he was still in Akon's office. He didn't know how much time passed due to the office having no windows nor clocks, but it must have been a while anyway. Sitting up, he noticed a new shihakushou, similar to the one he wore, already on him. There was not a single trace of pain in his body, just like last time, but the cuts were still not gone as he noticed by looking inside the top of his shihakushou. At least they were no longer bleeding.

"As promised," Akon said from the desk, a small pill that was put on the table catching Shuuhei's attention. Standing up from the medical cot located opposite the desk, Hisagi walked over to Akon, taking the pill, slight confusion visible on his face.

Not even raising eyes from work, the horned-man said, "A full month has passed since the time you gave Abarai-fukutaichou the drug. As it turned out, healing problems were not the only side effect," Akon cursed suddenly, throwing the screwdriver down, shaking his hand frantically in the air. After a minute, as the pain subdued, he resumed his work and explanation, "Due to the fact this drug could be used for various purposes and have a different effect on different patients, I had to keep a close eye on Abarai Renji one full month. And I found out there was indeed a problem..." pausing a bit, Akon looked up at Hisagi for a second to make sure the other was indeed listening before he asked, "Have you noticed any strange behavior from him lately?"

The brunet shrugged, "No, not in particular-" pausing a second, his and Renji's last encounter came to mind...and Kira's last words hit his thoughts after, "...come to think of it-"

"Exactly," Akon cut in, "He has been unstable on a mental level...and I believe it got far worse on your last meeting..." stopping his work, Akon looked up at Shuuhei, "In a sense, his feelings have been completely wrecked. And, as you probably noticed, it had casualties..."

Remembering again what Kira said, the brunet glared at Akon, "...how would you know it's the drug's fault and not something else?" the fact Akon knew so much about Shuuhei's personal matters angered the tattooed man, but then... This person was part if the 12th Division and gathering information as well as spying was their specialty. How annoying...

"Because the changes started happening as soon as you gave the drug to him…" pausing a moment, Akon rubbed his temple, "Everything has been playing too much into your favor, don't you think? I may not know Abarai-fukutaichou all that well, but I know for a fact that emotions cannot be this unstable. This could result in a serious illness."

Listening carefully, Shuuhei stared at the white pill in hand, "...will this have a side effect, too?"

Blinking, Akon frowned deeply, "How dare you! Not all of my experiments are a failure!" he reached to take the pill back, but Shuuhei pulled his hand away just in time, "...you should be grateful I am giving you a chance to choose instead of just giving the cure to Abarai-fukutaichou..."

Shuuhei shook his head, "The entire Seireitei and Gotei 13 is like a playground to you for experiments. Do you honestly believe I would fall for your kind gesture?" Akon smirked and Hisagi sighed, continuing, "...really, at this point, you just want to see if I am going to be selfish or not, huh?"

"It's either your happiness, but at the same time selfishness, or Renji's health and your misery. I think it's a good game."

"...right...then watch me," with that, Shuuhei turned on his heels and exited the office. Gods, he swore, Akon was sometimes too much like Kurotsuchi-taichou.

As he walked out of the building, he looked up at the sky, at the setting sun. The day was just too much...with too many events... Far more than he wanted for it to hold...

So much for a relaxing day off...

Making way to his own barracks, Hisagi thought about what Akon said and weighted his choices. On the one hand, more than anything, he wished for Renji's happiness, but on the other... Couldn't he be selfish at least once in his life? He has lost too much and gained little in the past months... And it was breaking him in half. He didn't want to be alone anymore... But then, did his own happiness matter at the cost of everyone else's? And too many were going to suffer if he did nothing... Yet, if he used the pill, everyone else was going to be happy...except for him.

Stopping in the hallway to his room, Shuuhei's eyes widened as he saw Renji sit there, leaning against his door. As soon as Hisagi stopped, Abarai looked up at him with his brown, wild eyes, as if devouring him whole, making the brunet drown in them.

Deeper...deeper...

And at that same second, Shuuhei made up his mind.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	7. Chapter Seven: Holding

**Author's Note:** this was originally supposed to be an even longer chapter, containing the ShuuRen interaction, but I guess I got caught up with describing emotions and thoughts...and then there was something else I decided to add, so it just turned into a chapter completely dedicated to Renji, just like the previous one was completely Shuuhei's. You can call this chapter useless and whatever, I don't mind, since it does look like an extra, but... I believe it is necessary. And I don't exactly think that three hours of the time I could use for sleep were a total waste. XD Well, I hope they weren't...

I am not proud of this chapter, nor do I like it, because it was...let me say, not easy to write. Some of the emotions here are deep enough in a sense that they are hardest to convey... You don't have to believe me, but it's true. XD

...and now, I have nothing else to say except that I still think I have a huge problem writing from Renji's POV... *sigh*

Rant over.

_**Chapter Seven: Holding**_

The two bodies moved in sync against each other in their own dance, their own separate world. The air was hot, musky, an exotic scent surrounding the room. Exotic in its own way, especially to Renji, for to him, the smell of sex was different for every partner. And Byakuya proved it to him all the more.

Yes, this was definitely one of the things worth living for, was what the redhead concluded to himself ages ago. This was his personal ground, where he could let go and focus on the one person that truly mattered to him. This was his sanctuary, and he didn't give a damn if anyone misunderstood him for it, or found him a total pervert. It was a known fact he was into sex, that he was a sexual being... And if anyone had a problem with it, well then, it just means they didn't receive a good pounding up their ass, right?

For whatever the case, this was where Renji felt he belonged - in the arms of his lover, where he truly felt whole and most of all - important. He could go ahead and be himself and no one would dare say anything. His partner is the only one who existed to him right then and now.

At least, he was sure that has always been the case... Until his feelings were completely screwed, until he took a 180 degree turn in his preferences, relationships, everything. He was no longer sure who he wanted, what he or who he needed. As a matter of fact, he wasn't an idiot. He knew fully well if he kept playing at this, then he would end up alone. Yet, he couldn't... He just...

He had no clue what to do. And it was tearing him in half.

When he left Shuuhei, it was not on a silly impulse. No, he could never do something like that to the person he loved...especially if that same person loved him back. No, he did it because... His heart was honestly swept away. There was really nothing he could do about it. Back then, he was very decisive. And he was sure he was doing the right thing. Back then, he made the decision firmly, with no way of ever turning back. He did indeed fall in love with Byakuya. It was not a momentary feeling, at least, that was what he kept telling himself. And above all... He would never be able to live with the guilt of cheating on his partner. He could never lie to Shuuhei.

In the end, he broke up with Shuuhei and started dating Byakuya. He didn't, not at all, even spent a single second to hear what Hisagi had to say beyond those shocked and hurt eyes that he witnessed. He couldn't bear to meet the other since. You could say, he ran away from a problem... And the result was a major tragedy.

He ruined sempai. And he could never forgive himself for something like that.

And recently, his feelings for Shuuhei seemed to have returned. Were they the result of what happened in prison, before that? Seeing Shuuhei completely broken down because of him? Did his feelings return out of worry and...possible pity?

No... That could never be the case with Abarai Renji. Then...what could have possibly triggered his old feelings like that? He didn't have an answer.

All he knew was... He was running around in circles. And he needed to end it. But how? He had no clue... And that was the exact source of his confusion.

He couldn't say that he didn't still have feelings for Byakuya either and it just made things far messier.

But at the same time... He knew. Renji knew how smart his Taichou was, how he could see right through him. Renji was like an open book, after all. He wore his feelings on a sleeve.

And that was the reason a disaster could not be avoided. Renji was simply too honest for his own good.

And when it comes to sex, he can hardly control himself, let alone restrain. Kuchiki Byakuya knew that and he accepted the stray dog the way he was. Abarai was supposed to be at least a bit tamer. Renji knew fully well what Byakuya preferred and disliked in bed after all.

And yet...because of his confusion... He screwed up. Badly.

He showed a part that was supposed to be sealed away for three months, far deep into the abyss of his predatory soul...somewhere far away.

And yet... It came blowing out again. They had awakened.

It was a day off. Renji was spending time with his lover. They were in bed. They were having sex for fuck's sake. His Taichou was riding him as if his life depended on it. Hell...so hot, with his long, black hair falling into dark eyes, that flawless milky skin contrasting to his bronzed one beautifully, heavy breaths and pants filling the room.

It was hot... Too hot. And the fact they had the window closed didn't help at all. Kuchiki Byakuya said it was for privacy, and as a result they were sweatier than they would actually be. But it didn't matter, really...

Still, maybe the extra heat was what made Renji go savage. He didn't know himself, but the result was still the same.

Something he would never be able to forgive himself for.

Everything was going well. They were making love perfectly, Byakuya even let a few moans slip through, he even leaned down to capture his lips. His Taichou was amazing today, even more so than usual. He was giving more room for touches, for exploring, something Renji hasn't done too much before. The redhead was truly overjoyed and practically had a satisfied mug throughout the entire ride.

...Only for everything to crumble and wither away too fast, too easily. All by one single gesture. One move.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, Renji grabbed for Byakuya's neck, slamming the other against the pillow, squeezing it lightly, but enough to cause proper reactions. Only that... This wasn't the right person. This was not Hisagi.

In the beginning of their relationship, Renji talked about this with Kuchiki-taichou. Well, why not? He shared everything with the other and it wasn't like he had anything to hide. Not like Byakuya wasn't willing to listen to him babble away either.

Somehow, when they were discussing sex, this talk came along. Renji didn't say it on purpose, but it slipped from his tongue that Shuuhei liked to be choked. How more stupid could he get to talk about his previous partner, right? He backtracked fast saying he didn't mean anything by it and that he was simply referring to the kink itself. All he got in reply from Byakuya was...to never try it on him.

And look at him now. He was such a damn bastard.

And he has been thinking too much about Shuuhei that even this slipped.

Even Byakuya's eyes stared wide at him, almost in disbelieve. He has never done something like this with the other before. The stray has never gone so wild with his own Taichou before. He has never let lose with anyone but Shuuhei and...

In a shocked trance, he hardly felt long fingers latch around his hand and pull it away.

Needless to say, at that same second, Renji though he and Byakuya were over.

It wasn't a silly matter. Especially not with Kuchiki Byakuya.

But... He actually felt the other lean forward and capture his lips. Just like that, a tender and meaningful kiss. But Renji was motionless. He was still shocked with himself and the mistake he made.

Unlike Byakuya, he could not ignore it.

Byakuya pulled away from Abarai's lips at the lack of response, staring into wild brown, seeing many emotions running through them.

And he wasn't at all oblivious about things that were once again happening in the redhead's life.

Pulling himself away from Renji calmly and wordlessly, Byakuya stood up to gather his discarded clothes from the floor. He didn't mind it when Renji went wild and needy, but there was definitely nothing he could do if the other no longer reacted to him the same.

Kuchiki Byakuya knew what this was about. And he knew one thing as a fact: he has lost the redhead for real this time.

For the first time since Hisana's death, he could feel his mask faltering... If only a bit as he slowly dressed himself up. But of course, there was no way he could show this side of himself to anyone. Not even Renji.

"Wait, Byaku- Kuchiki-taichou... I-" Renji turned to face Byakuya, reaching his hand towards him, towards the moon... But it was too far away...once again.

Just as Byakuya made the last adjustments to his shihakushou and pulled the haori over his shoulders, he turned around to face the redhead once again, his face a usual-stoic, "Rest assured, Abarai-fukutaichou, my feelings have not changed," he paused, turning around, "But I can see that yours have, once again," and he took a step for the door.

"Goddammit, no, wait!" Renji had his arms wrapped tightly around Byakuya in seconds, "...wait... It's, it's not what it looks like, I-" Renji stepped in front of his lover, hands on either shoulder, eyes glittering in despair, looking into dark orbs, "...I'm...confused..." he said finally, truthfully, squeezing shoulders through clothes, head lowered, "...I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, all I know is," he looked back into Byakuya's eyes, sadness in full view, but at the same time, a glimpse of absolute sincerity, "My feelings haven't changed for you either! I still love you, same as ever! I just, I-" Renji shook his head, "I don't know what to-"

Byakuya raised his hand in a silencing manner, so the redhead stopped talking, hearing something he didn't know he was worthy of hearing, "Sort out your feelings and make a decision. Until then," Kuchiki pulled Renji's hands away from his shoulders, "I will be waiting," and he made his way towards the door without looking back, closing it behind himself lightly.

Renji stood there with his head spinning, "tch"-ing after, leaning his forehead against the hand, letting out a shaky breath.

A mess. It was all a complete, fucked up...mess. He needed help. Serious mental help. There was something terribly wrong with him, he knew that.

He needed to consult with someone from the Fourth Division. Maybe they could help.

Sighing, Renji lay back down on his bed, noticing his still half-erect member. Wasn't he just, honestly, disgusting?

Closing his eyes, he reached for it, willing to finish the job himself.

* * *

Not many Divisions got to get a day off. And the 4th was definitely not one of them, so Renji got lucky... Sort of. He just wondered who he could possibly ask this kind of help of.

Clad in just a light blue yukata, hair down and running a hand through red locks, Renji decided to settle on any member of the Division. Not like he would share his personal matters. He just needed his head checked and possible healing or something... Right?

Not that he knew how this damn thing actually worked.

Sighing, he found himself a random member of the Fourth fast. It was the first time he has seen this guy, but he was sure he was capable. Hell, everyone in the Fourth kinda was... At least, that was the idea...

Whatever the case, he would have to settle on this... For now.

"What can I do for you?" the smaller man smiled lightly, looking pleasantly up at Renji.

"I need you to check my head and do possible healing," Abarai cut to the chase fast, his face determined and serious.

The smile disappeared from the man's lips as he looked up at Renji, more than a bit surprised to hear such a request, "...e-excuse me? Do you have a headache, sir?"

Blinking once, Renji let out another sigh. Yeah, he wished he did, "No, but I think there could be something terribly wrong with my brain functions and- Just do what I ask of you already!"

"Y-yes!" the smaller man replied unceremoniously, asking Renji to follow him to one of the many rooms. The little guy had no clue what was going on, but from the looks of things, it was better not to argue with such a man.

After countless questioning, minor checks and even an x-ray test, proving Renji was completely healthy, the redhead asked the other for healing anyway, so that's what he got.

Only that he felt no different at all.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, from what the little guy said.

The hell? Then... Why was he like this? Why couldn't he fucking keep his feelings in check? Was he missing something here? Sure, Renji wasn't that dumb, he knew fully well feelings could not be healed or whatever crap, but he thought it was going to help him...somehow.

Well, at least he could think more clearly now. And think he did as he made his way towards the Ninth Division barracks.

He seriously messed up big time. If he loved Byakuya, why were his feelings for Shuuhei just as strong? What kind of bullshit was this? Was it even possible to love two people equally? No, there had to be an outweighed balance somewhere... And that was why Renji needed to talk to Shuuhei right now.

Sometimes, he wondered why both Byakuya and Shuuhei actually gave him a chance to choose. Sure, Shuuhei pushed him away, but he knew for a fact that thus was his personality... And he was still really in love with him no matter what, no matter Kira.

Byakuya loved him dearly too, otherwise... He would just break it off with him. Wasn't he just lucky or what? Sometimes, Renji felt like scum, like crawling under a rock somewhere far away from here, but... Something kept him going.

He wasn't worth feelings from either of the two. Renji actually wondered why he was forgiven so easily too and-

Gods, he should have asked for something to kill the headache after all. Relationships were such complicated bitches.

Why couldn't he just go for a threesome or something? Fucking shit this all to hell... Although it was a really hot idea.

Stopping in his tracks near his destination, Renji was glued to the spot as realization hit him dead on. There he was, watching Kira leave the Ninth Division, going into the opposite direction.

Did he spend the night with Hisagi? Well...why not, right? Renji left the bar early, actually right after his talk with sempai, so he didn't know about this...

Although he really shouldn't be surprised...

Any other guy, at this point, would just fucking take the hint and leave. But not Renji. Oh no, not him. He came to talk to Shuuhei and that's what he was going to do.

Making his way inside, straight to Hisagi's room, the room he didn't think he would see so often anymore, he let out a breath, scratched the back of his head, getting his last thoughts together as he knocked on the door, waiting for any sort of movement behind it.

Only for it to be completely quiet.

Was Shuuhei asleep or something? Weird. The brunet has always been the type to open the door fast enough.

"Oi, sempai! You there?" Abarai knocked again. If he got bitched at for waking the other up, he didn't care. He would think of a proper apology for it later. For now...

Hmm... There was also a possibly the other was wasted.

"Sempai, I'm comin' in!" Renji said loudly, opening the door to the brightness of the setting sun, he didn't even notice the time pass so much that day, the room being completely empty, with the bed made completely, perfectly, which was a bit uncharacteristic for Shuuhei. Probably Izuru's work, huh...

Where was Hisagi anyway?

Closing the door, Renji leaned against it, sliding down before he was seated on the floor as he stared at the wall in front of him, letting out another of the many breaths he already had that day. How uncool. Now he had to wait for the other to come back. He was definitely not in the right state of mind to run around Seireitei in search of the brunet.

But fortunately for him, he didn't have to wait too long and in less than fifteen minutes, he heard familiar footsteps, raising his eyes to look at surprised grey ones.

It was now or never.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	8. Chapter Eight: Realizing

**Author's notes: **yesterday, I was feeling like shit for I managed to catch a cold (imagine that – not being sick for at least a year and catching a cold in the beginning of summer...funny, ne?). But that's not important. The important thing is, in my sickness-ridden mind, I noticed something derpy I did in the last couple of chapters: I messed up the timeline. XDD At this point, it has been three months, not two, since Renji and Shuuhei broke up. I kept writing two months, 'cause I kinda remembered it since the start of the fic. XD I should have taken into account the whole month Renji was healing and Shuuhei was imprisoned, but nooo... lol Anywayz, it's all corrected now. I apologize for my incompetence. That's what I get for writing fics at night.

This chapter is... Long, really long. Longer than long, so... Don't kill me for ending it where I did, please. XD

Also, don't mind me, but I need to say it right here, right now: previous. week's. Bleach. chapter. *fangasming scream* Gods, Shuuhei was sooo badass! And it really broke a few stereotypes that we had about him. He talked back to Kensei and it was music to my ears. Ain't he and Renji just two craaazy strays or what? xP

Okay okay, rant over. XD

_**Chapter Eight: Realizing**_

Fate was more or less playing a game with him, a sick and twisted game, was what Shuuhei concluded as he stared into amber eyes. Honestly, why was the redhead here? Were they played by an unknown force to seek out each other when most needed? Aizen was in prison, it couldn't be his work. Who else needed to mind their business so much? Soutaichou? Akon? Soul King himself?

Honestly, Hisagi didn't like the odds of this game. Not at all...

"...what are you doing here, Abarai?" he asked, referring to Renji using his last name. He didn't know if he could be at all on familiar terms with the other anymore.

Renji stared up at him, his face as cool as ever, as if they were best of friends again, as if he was going to invite Shuuhei to go on a walk or drinking...as if they were back together again... But then, it was exactly that what he liked about Renji. To think they would no longer be talking after their last encounter. How very interesting.

Closing his eyes momentarily, knowing there was no turning back from what he came here for, Renji said calmly, "...we need to talk about...us."

It was that simple, such a simple request... And yet Shuuhei couldn't help noticing a minor detail as he moved towards the redhead, shoving hands into his shihakushou pockets, pill in one of them, "There is no "us". You should know that as well as I do," Hisagi replied simply, stopping right in front of Renji, the fucking hot bastard.

Without noticing it himself, Shuuhei's eyes traveled along Renji's long, crossed legs, stopping at the very end of the yukata that was barely hiding anything to one's imagination. Not stopping there, he continued admiring the clad body, knowing fully well about every single muscle and curve it held. Looking at a few tattoos showing, Shuuhei's eyes saddened a bit as he remembered the events of a month ago. There was no way he would ever be able to forget them. He still couldn't believe his luck either though. The wounds were healed. There was not a single trace of the cuts that he left on the rich bronzed skin.

Not only that, he didn't lose his connection to Renji completely either. He didn't deserve the other, especially not his forgiveness. He should have been executed, thrown into the lowest pit of the prison, exiled. Anything but him still standing there as a proud Ninth Division Fukutaichou.

Yeah, fate definitely had something to do with all this.

Finally, Hisagi's eyes stopped on Renji's, who obviously noticed him gaping. Turning his head away abruptly, Shuuhei did that in time to hear a knowing snicker, "...do you yourself believe in what you just said?"

Looking back at Renji, Shuuhei would never be able to say "yes" to that question. It was definite as night and day themselves. Thus, all he could do was let out a defeated sigh, grabbing the handle to his door, stopping instantly, his eyes widening. Wait, Kira was still inside. Sure, the blond had no intention of interfering, but it would be really awkward if he just-

Noticing Hisagi's distress, Renji easily guessed what the other was thinking about as he stood up beside the brunet, "Kira left a while ago. Don't worry about him."

The brunet was truly relieved to hear that, but... How did Abarai know about Kira? Turning to look at Renji with a questioning expression on his face, the redhead shrugged, "I saw him leave."

Aha... Okay, so that's how it was.

"Did you two fuck last night?"

Of course, that obviously following question. Opening the door to his room, Shuuhei looked around it a second. Everything was the same as he always left it... Except for the made bed which he never bothered to take care of.

As the brunet stepped inside, he blurted out, but loudly enough for Renji to hear, "Let's not make a scene," not that he cared if anyone from his Division heard anything, but he preferred at least a little bit of privacy.

Renji stepped inside, wordlessly, closing the door with a light thud behind himself as he watched Shuuhei move towards a small table located in the left corner of the room. They Fukutaichous sure got it nicely: a room for one person, more spacious than what the rest of the Division members got. They even had their own bathroom. Yeah, they were lucky bastards.

Looking around the room again, but in better detail than before, he noticed that nothing changed at all. Last time he was there...well, let's just say he preferred not to think about it. Stretching his muscles as he walked, Renji sat down on the bed, eyeing Shuuhei's back.

"...Sake or tea?" came Hisagi's polite voice as he grabbed what looked like a pot from where Renji was sitting.

"Neither," the redhead sighed. Seriously, if he drank today too he wouldn't be able to drag his feet tomorrow to the HQ. And he didn't feel like tea, really, "...water would be nice."

As Shuuhei nodded, Renji turned his head to the right, eyeing the brunet's pride and joy - the guitar, "...How long has it been since you touched your babe?"

Shuuhei visibly tensed, confusion written all over his face as he turned to look at Renji, seeing the other staring at his guitar. Letting out a tiny snicker under his breath, Shuuhei grabbed the glass with water, moving towards Abarai, "...I think it has been roughly three months."

Really, "three months". That time line has been mentioned a lot between them. It was the time their lives turned upside down to the point of never being the same again. Everything changed drastically, completely. It was crazy, sick...and above all, twisted.

But despite whatever shit happened, they still held onto each other. They were really something, huh?

Turning to look up at Shuuhei, Renji leaned back against his prompted hands, "You didn't answer my previous question either."

Yeah. Peace could never last too fucking long between them. Not that Hisagi minded it. He was always on edge, thrill, with Renji. And he just couldn't help but dig deeper as he said instead, "You don't see me asking how many times a day you fuck with Kuchiki-taichou."

Renji stared at Shuuhei for a second, then a chuckle escaped his lips. Really, he was acting too calmly. Was this what they meant by a "calm before the storm"? Hisagi didn't want to find out, but...

"Was he good? I always imagined Kira would be shy in bed."

...it seemed, he would find out.

Shaking his head, the brunet remained standing, "I wouldn't know," he said truthfully, watching those brown eyes shining up at him. Gods, it should be forbidden to be this hot.

"You really didn't fuck him?"

"Nah..." Shuuhei was getting sadder and sadder each passing second, but he wouldn't keep anything from Renji, especially not about their blond best friend, "Turns out he is still heartbroken over Ichimaru Gin," yeah, because Shuuhei understood Kira's pain no questions asked, because of Kaname-taichou, it was no surprise they had such a strong bond.

Renji was actually left on the sidelines when it came to this. Although it wasn't exactly hard for him to comprehend what the two had been going through as he himself has been through much shit too, still. Kira would turn to Hisagi for support first and foremost, which was understandable.

"...will he be alright?" Abarai asked, searching Shuuhei's grey eyes who let out an upsetting sigh. Since forever, Renji hated when Shuuhei would get like that. He knew the brunet thought about too much and carried a lot of turmoil, but... He had to learn not to get every single thing to his heart. Although this situation called for it and Renji could relate, he could still see it was eating at Hisagi far more. Poor guy didn't know what to do and he wanted to help so much.

"...maybe... He will be alright. Someday..."

"We should hook him up with someone to ease the pain."

Shuuhei blinked at the suggestion, "...perhaps, but I doubt Kira would-"

"Hey, that new Taichou of his seems to be rather fond of Izuru."

"Really?"

"Yeah... So Kira should be fine..." Renji concluded, trying his best for Hisagi, watching a spark appear in grey eyes. Gods, the man was like a walking sex god for his own good.

Then, a tender smile appeared on Shuuhei's face, one Renji hasn't seen in the longest of times. It was mesmerizing, the brunet was sex on legs, goddammit. So perfect and kind in so many ways...

"I hope things turn out well for him. Izuru deserves happiness," Shuuhei said, bending a bit to finally present Renji with the glass of water only to be pulled over to the redhead.

"Careful, you idiot! You almost spilled it!" Hisagi let out and before he noticed, he was sited on Abarai's lap, leg on each side, facing the other up close. Too fucking close...

Renji raised an eyebrow, hands on either of Shuuhei's thighs, "It's only water..." he muttered out, but decided not to dwell on it as he caressed Shuuhei's thighs, slowly, watching the tattooed face absentmindedly, "...you stopped wearing the chocker equipped with the bomb," honestly, he noticed every single small change in Shuuhei... That got him thinking...

"Hmm? Oh, yeah..." Hisagi was sitting there motionless, as if in a trance, afraid to move a muscle, thinking if he did, he would wake up from this dream. A very nice dream... Too nice for someone like him who sinned so much and deserved nothing, "I figured I would take it off too when I got rid of the ones on my arms."

"...why?" Renji always thought Shuuhei was like a walking time bomb with such dangerous weapons on him, as if he would blow them up on himself at any given second if need be, like a suicide, but he never imagined the other would stop wearing them someday. They were part of his battle strategy. In fact, they were kind of a part of the brunet, representing him even. And Renji would lie if he said they didn't make him look extra hot.

Smiling, Shuuhei was a bit at ease now and made himself comfortable on Renji's lap, accepting what was happening right then as a fact, "...it has been kinda quiet recently, so I thought I could take it easy for a while," no, not really. Ever since Shuuhei got himself a sleeved shihakushou to hide his cuts until they healed and became scars, he decided to get rid of the bombs, not that he could use them anymore. That rendered his useful surprise attack non-existent, but he could take it. Surpassing his fear of Kazeshini is all it would take to achieve Bankai...and a lot of training. All he needed to do was accept that part of himself that screamed a "vicious monster". Well, he was working on it.

"I see..." Renji replied, wrapping an arm around Shuuhei's waist, pulling him closer to himself, grabbing the glass from Hisagi's hand. Bringing it up to his lips, he was stopped by a hand that took the glass away, "Hey! What gives?"

But Renji was rendered speechless as he witnessed the miserable expression on Shuuhei's face, watching the man on his lap put the glass on the floor in front of the bunk.

What the hell was this about now?

"...wait..." Hisagi would whisper, his hands running over Renji's clad in a light blue yukata shoulders, slowly, as if he would disappear or push him away any second now. Forgetting about water, Renji reassured Shuuhei by squeezing his sides with both hands, the brunet getting more daring instantaneously by wrapping his arms around Renji's neck, leaning forward to red lips.

"Just this once... Please..." he whispered, his breath tickling Renji's face, "...just this once... Let me be...selfish," and he smashed his lips against Renji's in a hungry kiss, devouring him.

Abarai didn't understand what the heck the other was on about, but he guessed it was probably because of Byakuya that the brunet has been holding back. Well, whatever. It didn't matter.

Renji wasn't about to decline the other and say "no".

The kiss they shared was full of rough passion and desperate want, especially on Shuuhei's part, who cupped Renji's cheeks and deepened the kiss, their tongues rubbing against each other, teeth clashing and nipping, eyes closed as both drowned in one another.

Everything else was slowly forgotten. In their world, no one else existed. On their minds, there were only two people: them. Right then and there.

And that was what both wanted. What both of them preferred. They worked in sync. And they missed each other. They missed the other's smell, touch. They missed the animalistic edge they both felt when they were together. They missed everything that had to do with the other.

And they were set free just then. Right there, in the present, devouring each other in a hardly lit room, the sun setting over the horizon.

But neither cared. It was there that they could be themselves without being judged or afraid. The meaning of "holding back" didn't exist. Only basic lustful senses.

Acting fast, Renji slammed Hisagi against the mattress, receiving a muffled groan mixed with a moan, them not yet pulling away from each other's lips. Shuuhei wasn't stoned either and spread his legs widely, allowing room for them to rub against each other with their cloathed cocks, without wasting any time.

Daringly, Shuuhei's hands reached for Renji's ass, raising the yukata, smirking broadly as he came in contact with nothing but skin there, slapping Renji's ass, "...you are such a whore," he teased, grabbing the skin there, squeezing, smirking into the small kisses that they were now sharing.

"Tch..." was what Renji let out, his naked cock pulsing already, all in full view to the other as he smirked, grabbing Shuuhei's already hard cock through the hakama, watching the brunet gasp, "Look who's talking..." and Renji started undoing Shuuhei's shihakushou faster than both of them could even begin to understand what was happening.

Huffing under his breath, Hisagi reached for Renji's robe too, undoing the annoying garment, watching the tattooed chest presented before him. It was flawless, absolutely stunning. And rich.. Running his hands over the broad chest, over all of the tattoos, slowly, lovingly and experimentally, Shuuhei failed to notice the other stop when all of his clothes were discarded too.

When Hisagi got out of his trance, he stared up at Renji, questioningly, only to see hurt written all over the redhead's face.

"Eh?" Hisagi let out, caressing red locks of hair. Maybe Abarai changed his mind. Maybe he remembered Kuchiki-taichou and was now regretting this. Shuuhei's heart sank at that thought, but then...what did he expect? He really had no right to ask for this, ne?.. The brunet could kiss his chances of ever being happy right then and now. He absolutely had nothin-

"Wh-what..." disbelieve all over his face, Renji ran a hand over the deep cuts all over Shuuhei's body, eyeing especially deeper ones on the arms.

Oh...so this is what it was about. Hisagi's heart started to beat faster in his chest with renewed speed in relief and excitement as he watched fingers run over the cuts, slowly, lightly, as if any force would hurt him. The sight was... Too precious. For Hisagi, it was... More than anything he could ever ask for on this entire planet.

He almost got teary eyed, but held himself back.

He cared... Renji...cared...

"Why..." Abarai had a miserable expression on his face now as he took Hisagi's hands into his, kissing the cuts tenderly, "...why didn't you...heal these?" his question was barely audible as he ran a hand over other cuts on Shuuhei's chest, thighs, everywhere he saw any. This was a nightmare... There cuts couldn't be real... Renji wished he could erase them with his fingers, he truly wished he had healing power right then...

Hisagi's face held a tender expression as he watched those fingers he missed so much, those lips he wanted on him so badly, worshiping his body. Damn it all to hell, he really didn't deserve any of this...

"I..." Shuuhei started, feeling Renji's fingers caress the old scar on his face, so he stopped.

"...is this what you are doing to yourself again..?" Renji let out desperately, "Are you trying to imprint the "sins" and "failure" on your body again?! Why?! You are not a sinner! You didn't do anything! You-" Renji's lips were instantaneously covered by Shuuhei's.

Pulling away from Abarai's face, watching the other calm down a bit, Shuuhei lowered his head in shame, "...sorry you...had to see this hideous body, but I-"

A pair of arms were around him fast at that same second. Shuuhei's eyes widened in surprise, before saddening again as he closed them, leaning against Renji, allowing such a deep form of affection, hearing tender words of, "Don't ever say that again..."

"I just..." Hisagi started again, "Yeah, you're right. I am not going to deny it. I really did plan on turning these wounds into scars as a reminder or my sin, the greatest sin I have committed in my entire life," he shook lightly, feeling hands caressing his back and hair, "...I can never forgive myself for what I did to you, for what could have happened, for...everything," he bit his lip for a second, laying his whole heart out, "I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't deserve compassion and above all..." hair covering his lowered eyes, Shuuhei pushed Renji away from himself lightly, "I don't deserve you. And while I know all that," his voice was getting louder, on edge, "I fucking can't surpass the desire within me! I can't win against myself," he grabbed his hair, pulling on it, "...I'm a monster. A goddamn...monster..." he looked up at Renji, who simply sat there, expressionless, feeling a part of himself slowly die at what he was witnessing, "...how can you even stand being near me, let alone..." Shuuhei motioned with his head towards Renji's hardened dick, "...desire...me?" shaking his head in defeat, the brunet leaned his face against the hand, "...there is...something I have been meaning to tell you and-"

Feeling a hand on his hair, Shuuhei stopped what he was saying, feeling a rough hand push his own away from his face, cupping his cheeks, forcing him to look up into hypnotizing brown. Flawless, smooth... Not a single imperfection. Except that the expression was really heartbreaking.

...what did Shuuhei do now? Did he hurt the other so much again? He...wouldn't be able to live this down... He wouldn't...

"...don't ever... And I mean, ever... Call yourself a monster," Renji started, running his hands all over the perfectly sculpted face, "Let go of the past. Don't let it keep hunting you. Don't you get it? I forgave you even the second I lost consciousness during that time. No...even before it all happened. I have never been mad at you for what you did. Because I knew fully well I deserved it," Renji kissed Shuuhei's forehead, "...besides... You do realize it's not fair, right..? While my scars healed, yours remained on such a sexy body..." smiling a tiny bit, Renji pushed Shuuhei to lie down against the sheets, "...please, I beg you with every single cell of my damn body," he leaned his forehead against Hisagi's chest, "...please, heal these wounds. Please let go of the past. Please accept the fact I have never been mad at you, that I forgave you," Renji wrapped his arms around Shuuhei's middle, letting out a hitched breath, "...please, sempai...please..."

Staring down at Renji, Shuuhei couldn't help but feel...guilt. Seriously, why was he always the cause of everyone's suffering around him? Was he even worse than he thought already..? Just...

Sighing, Hisagi wrapped his arms around Renji's head, fingers running through red locks. He really couldn't win anything or anywhere no matter how hard he tried...

No matter how hard...

"...if you...wish for it so much, I'll...heal them," Shuuhei said, his voice broken, "...I promise you this."

Raising his head, Renji's eyes were glad as he kissed Shuuhei's lips, "...thank you."

"...don't thank me just yet..." closing his eyes for a second, Hisagi let out a breath. He already made his choice back in the hallway. He shouldn't hold back now...

Hisagi realized right there and then that he was weak. Anything that had to do with Renji was his absolute weakness. He would die for the redhead, he would answer his every wish, anything. Anything and everything for Abarai.

Because he was most important. More important than anyone else in his life.

Sitting up along with Renji, Shuuhei reached for the glass of water, feeling Renji's gaze on his every move as he offered Renji the glass with water again, "...drink this," he paused, before saying, "I am not going to lie to you. I am not going to make the same mistake twice," he sighed, "It's...medicine. You have the right to know and make your own decision."

Staring down at the glass with water, more than just a bit dumbstruck, Renji frowned, "...medicine...from what?"

"It's..." Shuuhei closed his eyes, finally spilling the beans, "I went to Akon today and-"

"Was he the one to leave those cuts on you, the fucking bastard?" Renji cut in, anger visible on his face.

Hisagi was surprised for a moment. Renji hit a bull's eye head on so easily, "...yes, not the ones on the arms though, but I asked for it myself. That's not important here."

"So you slept with him? Do you enjoy being a guinea pig for his shitty experiments so much, sempai?"

"Will you just fucking shut up and listen?!" Shuuhei spat, angered now too, watching Renji close his mouth, "...your jealousy is touching, Renji, but please...let me finish," all Renji could do was let out an annoyed sigh.

"...thing is, when I went to Akon, he gave me another pill, saying it was for you. To help you get through the confusion you are feeling."

"...confusion?"

"To make you finally choose who is dear to your heart... To...cure you..."

"...the hell? Cure me? How is that possible?" Renji remembered how he already tried that in the Fourth. It was useless...

"I don't know, but... If Akon said that, then..." Shuuhei pushed the glass into Renji's hands, "Please... Take the medicine and... Return to... Kuchiki-taichou."

Staring at the glass of water in hand, Renji blinked, finally catching on on what was going on, "...and what makes you think I would choose Byakuya?"

"I-I...I just...just drink it, goddammit!"

Silence fell between the two as Renji stared at the glass, deep in thought. Then, he shook his head and brought the glass up to his lips, watching Shuuhei's eyes widen.

Hisagi was stoned, feeling his heart would stop any second now. This was it. This was...the absolute end for him. Goodbye, precious life-

And then the brunet witnessed how Renji flipped the glass over and spilled all of its contents on the floor near the mattress.

Momentary shock followed, before Shuuhei finally got himself back together and yelled, "Why the hell did you do that?! You spilled all of its contents!"

"...It's just water..." Renji rolled his eyes, "...besides, me drinking that shit was equivalent, in your eyes, to choosing Kuchiki-taichou over you, right?"

"Yeah, but-!"

"...well, guess what?" putting the glass on the floor, Renji caressed one of Shuuhei's hands with his thumb, "...I don't need no fuckin' medicine to make a decision. I am me. My own heart is mine and mine alone to hold and control..." Renji scratched the back of his head, "But it doesn't mean I can't give it away for someone else to hold for me..." he smiled.

Shuuhei's expression was still surprised. He couldn't believe his eyes or ears. This was surreal. He was going to wake up any second now and realize this was just a dream. The most amazing and dear dream of his entire life. His treasure...

But Renji's hand on his felt very real. The redheads smell he felt was too...

"Th-then...you..."

"...really, to think you, of all, people would fall for Akon's schemes. I am more than sure that shitty "antidote" held something inside to make matters worse," pausing a second, Renji caressed Shuuhei's cheek, "...at least that thing made me realize something. Something I have been blind to for months..."

Hisagi was getting too euphoric, whatever Akon-issue they had long forgotten, but he was afraid to admit it, "...you don't mean-"

"Yeah..." Renji kissed Shuuhei's lips meaningfully, "I truly love you. I really do."

And Shuuhei would never be the same again from the joy he felt in his heart and soul.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	9. Chapter Nine: Returning

**Author's Notes:** I apologize for taking this long and for the shortness, but I had to end it where I did because...well, this chapter was planned to be the way it is since weeks ago. XD As for why I took so long... I'm sorry for my sudden One Piece obsession... *bows* But I can't help it, I adore this series to hell and back again. XD

This chapter is a tad bit fast-paced 'cause I wanted to get some things out of the way before starting on something a bit bigger (you will understand in the end of this chapter). So, I apologize for it… And because I haven't written a single fic in a while, it's a bit rougher description-wise, but as a whole, I think it's okay... So, yeah...

Oh, and once again, I would like to remind you all of the outstanding fic that inspired me to write this one in the first place by the amazing _**OccultDawn**_ called "**Call Me Shuuhei**". It's, seriously, _out of this world_! Without it, this story would be non-existent. You really should check it out! It can be found on my fave fics list if you're lazy to search. Trust me, you will definitely NOT regret it!

_**Chapter Nine: Returning**_

Smiling tenderly, Shuuhei stared into Renji's sincere, beautiful eyes, his heart beating fast inside his chest as if it would jump out or stop any moment now.

He couldn't believe his ears. If this was really a dream, he never wanted to wake up, "...I didn't think I would ever hear you say such words directed at me again," Hisagi ran his hands through red locks.

Renji grinned goofily, wrapping his arms around Shuuhei's middle, not saying anything, just staring into grey.

But then, a sudden thought hit the redhead. He told the same thing to Byakuya just hours ago, didn't he? Honestly, what the fuck was he doing? He couldn't have both... He couldn't just love both, he couldn't-

But seeing that genuinely happy tattooed face, for the first time since months ago, made his train of thoughts stop. Abarai would settle that later, right..? At the very moment, he was all about Hisagi. He didn't want to think about anything else...

And with that thought in mind, he leaned forward to capture red lips into a deeper, needier kiss, feeling arms tighten around him instantaneously.

This felt so familiar... A dance they have both done countless times already. They knew where to touch and how to. It was truly nostalgic. And Shuuhei wished for nothing more but this to last.

Grinding his hardening cock against Renji's, Hisagi no longer thought about anything else. He was euphoric, he was happy...and above all, he was with his beloved. He waited for this far too long, he longed to feel Renji close, for his touches, his love... And now that he was getting it all, there was no way he would stop. What made him happier was...Renji didn't look like he wanted to stop either and just got needier and needier.

Breaking the heated kiss, saliva still connecting them, Hisagi snickered while smiling brightly, "You are like a dog in heat," sitting up, he rubbed his cock against Abarai's hard one more, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, meeting playful brown eyes and a smirk, which he replied equally.

"Look who's talking. You look like a starved wolf, sempai," and Renji wrapped a hand around both their shafts, pumping them together, receiving a moan from Shuuhei and growling himself.

And at that same second, Shuuhei didn't know what was happening to him, but he guesses it was probably the heat because he couldn't take it anymore, crushing his lips on Renji's again, biting and sucking everywhere as he traveled downwards with his tongue, nipping on the tender flesh of the neck. Renji's taste was exotic, the kind no one else had. And he wanted to taste more, sucking the skin harder, getting more of the wonderful taste on his tongue.

Tilting his head to the side, Renji squeezed his eyes shut, loving the other's mouth on his skin, speeding up the pumps, both of their cocks already leaking as he leaned down to nuzzle Shuuhei's hair lovingly, his other hand running down the brunet's back, digging his fingers on the tender flesh, feeling a shudder and another moan escape Shuuhei, the sound vibrating over the skin of his neck and he gasped, a moan escaping Renji's lips this time.

Nuzzling his face over to Shuuhei's ear, Renji nipped on it, letting out huskily as he smirked broader, "...I want to fuck you, sempai," and to make a point, the hand that was on Shuuhei's back minutes ago, was already squeezing Hisagi's ass.

Licking his lips, the brunet's eyes were playful as he rolled his hips, thrusting into Renji's hand and against his cock, "How many, ah...times do I need to tell you," another heavy breath, "...stop calling me sempai already!" and Shuuhei slammed Renji against the mattress this time.

Not breaking any contact even with the sudden change of positions, Renji pulled Shuuhei to himself and kissed again, hands everywhere as he touched Hisagi all over the smooth skin, trying not to think about some of the cuts he came across, until he heard a hiss as he brushed a particular wound, stopping in seconds, his eyes widened with concern as he stared up at the other...

Only to see the brunet lick his lips seductively, his eyes lustful, hearing a heated whisper against his lips, "More."

Staring intently at the hot sight, Renji slowly understood what Shuuhei was talking about and shook his head, kissing the "69" tattoo, "I can't, Hisagi," he said hotly, with a hint of concern and sadness in his voice, "You know I could never hurt you..." he knew Shuuhei had a thing for BDSM, something he didn't share with sempai. He preferred normal, rough sex, although he himself had a few kinks, but he didn't feel like indulging in them this time. He just wanted Shuuhei in every possible way... To feel him, to enjoy the closeness to the other... But unfortunately, he couldn't give Hisagi what he wanted... And that in itself was upsetting.

Stopping his own exploration of Renji's skin using his hands, as if it was his first time, and it felt like it, Shuuhei just stared at Renji, then smiled, as if telling him it was all okay, kissing the tattooed forehead, shifting his body so he was now sited on top of the redhead, leaning over to Abarai's ear, "...Do I get to be chocked as compensation?"

Snorting in amusement, Renji grinned, his hand traveling up the broad chest to Shuuhei's neck, watching grey eyes fire up excitedly as he squeezed lightly, receiving a grunt and a grind against his cock, holding the brunet's thigh with his other hand, smirking.

So much for foreplay. The two heated dogs wanted to play rougher.

Fingering himself, Hisagi grunted out more, loving the way his neck got squeezed at the same time, inserting two fingers inside of himself only to realize he was still kind of lose from getting fingerfucked by Akon previously, so he didn't waste time, pumping Renji's cock, smearing precum all over the shaft and he didn't give a fuck anymore if he tore as he impaled himself on the hard member, biting his lower lip in concentration, feeling the hand on his neck loosen up too, looking down at that twitching in pleasure face.

"Sh-shit... You are tight," Renji breathed out, caressing Shuuhei's thighs as the brunet grind down and shifted a bit, leaning forward to the redhead's face.

"Not my fault you have a big dick," Shuuhei smirked, receiving a playful frown from Renji as they both laughed like total idiots.

"Remember the time I was giving you head for the first time? I couldn't fucking get it into my mouth completely without gagging as if I would throw up any second," Hisagi chuckled in amusement, his body moving from time to time for him to get used to the cock and for Renji - the heat.

Renji laughed more, "Yeah, you damn amateur. And I was all like, 'a woman does it better than your 69 face', and...seriously, I'll never forget the look in your eyes as you practically devoured my cock. It was hot..."

"Even though I felt like biting it off?" Shuuhei snorted, smiling widely, "At that time, I wasn't fucking experienced with men. What did you expect?"

"I know..." Renji grinned, caressing Hisagi's scarred side of the face, "I am your first, sempai!"

"Stop calling me sempai..." Shuuhei hovered over Renji's face, his breaths tickling the other, "And I seriously don't regret that..." he smirked, his movements becoming a bit faster as the cock slid in and out almost easily now.

"Oh, me neither... For a first time with a man, you acted like it wasn't," Abarai kissed Hisagi's cheek, nuzzling him, "Damn, it was hot... Even though you messed up a bit here and the-"

Shuuhei kissed Renji deeply to prevent him from saying more, "Seriously? How long do you plan on remembering my faults?"

Renji grinned brightest, "Forever..." laughing when he watched the tattooed face frown deeply, Shuuhei clenching his ass muscles to see Renji's face twitch in slight pain, "H-hey, what are you doing?! Stop it!"

Shaking his head, Shuuhei relaxed his muscles, doing slow circular motions over Renji's cock, "Payback," he chuckled, receiving a slap on his thigh as they both snickered again.

It was good to be back here again... It was amazing, for both of them, to have each other again, to talk so naturally as if they were never separated, going down long history they had together. It was all very refreshing and warm at the same time.

And again, Shuuhei wished this would go on forever...

Finally moving, Hisagi sat back up, Renji's hands on his hips as he supported himself on the tattooed chest, thrusting up and down, riding Renji's cock like he was made for it, letting out moans and grunts of pleasure, feeling it mixed with some pain. But it was all damn worth it.

Breathing heavily, Renji stared up at the hot man riding him, feeling himself slowly go crazier and crazier with pleasure and need, thrusting his hips upwards to reply every single thrust. Then, his hands moved up Shuuhei's body, not stopping the thrusts, caressing the skin he, admittedly, missed for so long.

His grinding down getting faster and much needier, Shuuhei couldn't take it anymore as he leaned against Renji's chest completely, moaning loudly when he felt the other slam inside him hard and deeper, any rhythm lost, replaced by a savage need to come.

Kissing Renji's lips, Hisagi grabbed his own cock, pumping it to get release too, moving himself against Renji again too, only for the other to switch their positions fast, raising Shuuhei's legs up to his chest, slamming inside the older man deepest and at a totally different angle, watching as that face twitched in absolute ecstasy. Renji loved it, seriously...adored it. His sempai was just too hot, too hard to resist.

Arching his back, Shuuhei knew he wouldn't be able to take it much longer, feeling his prostate being brushed over and over now too, jerking himself off fast as he came a few thrusts after, pumping every single drop of cum on his stomach, moaning like a whore in heat, his ass muscles clenching over Renji's cock, squeezing the organ hard and he felt Renji come second later too, moaning his load, filling his insides whole.

Breathing heavily as both moved against each other until their completion, Renji dropped on top of Shuuhei, breathing heavily, his cock still inside the heat.

After a few more minutes, Abarai raised his head and grinned at his partner, the other mirroring the grin as they kissed again, whispering small nothings, about how hot it was, before Renji pulled Shuuhei on the side, at a different angle, raising a slim leg, smirking, "The night has only just begun, Shuuhei."

"Finally, idiot. Use my name," and Hisagi couldn't agree more, his eyes alluring and inviting.

* * *

The sound of the door being pounded loudly followed by, "Hisagi-fukutaichou!" woke the two men cuddled tightly around one another.

Sighing in annoyance and sleepily, Renji would lean his forehead against Shuuhei's, arms around the other, "Ignore the fucker. Let's sleep more."

His eyes still closed, Shuuhei yawned, "We need to get up, Renji... Duty is calling," as ironically as that sounded, for Hisagi's 'duty' was already behind the door and, indeed, calling him. Their day off was over, after all.

They fucked the entire night away, loving each other until satisfaction and both were more than just a bit worn out.

But no, of course they couldn't spend more time together. That's what they get for being Fukutaichous.

Frowning with his eyes still closed too, Renji leaned over to capture Shuuhei's lips in a tender kiss, "Shut up and return to sleep..."

Shuuhei chuckled, kissing down Renji's chin, "It's probably someone from my Division trying to wake me up 'cause I overslept," he paused a bit, "You need to go too or Kuchiki-taichou will have your head."

"Mhm..." Renji let out sleepily, only to growl loudly as more banging followed, "For fuck's sake! Stop pounding the goddamn door and get lost!" he yelled loudly, pulling Shuuhei closest to himself.

Running his hands through red locks, fully awake now, Hisagi smiled, "Love you..." as he unwrapped Renji's arms from around himself despite the redhead's protests, grabbing a random robe, which turned out to be Renji's yukata as he pulled it on and did the sash fast, dragging his feet to the door while rubbing sleep from his eye, opening the door finally, revealing a younger man clad in a shihakushou, who bowed low fast.

"I am terribly sorry for waking you up so early, sir, but there has been an emergency and-"

"You goddamn fucker! Couldn't this wait until later?! It's six in the morning, you dickhead! We don't even start work this early on!" came Renji's enraged yell from behind Shuuhei. So, Abarai checked the clock already, huh...

Staring up at Hisagi helplessly, who only shook his head in reply, a goofy smile on his features, the Shinigami continued, "Muguruma-taichou is requesting to see you, Hisagi-fukutaichou, immediately," bowing lowly in respect again, the man left, leaving Hisagi to stare confused after him.

What could Muguruma-taichou need with him this early in the morning? It was a bit odd... Okay, it was more than just a 'bit' odd, but he wouldn't find out by just standing there.

After a few moments, Shuuhei sighed defeated, closing the door as he returned to a grumpy Renji, sitting down on the bed beside the other as he kissed pouting lips, "...I guess the fun is over."

Caressing black hair, Renji played with his own yukata on Shuuhei, "What would that new Taichou of yours want so early in the morning? He's even damn worse than Kuchiki-taichou, for fuck's sake!"

Hisagi shrugged, but chuckled, "Not that you ever show up in the office on time," he laughed at Renji's face, "Well, whatever it may be about, I need to go anyway."

Tch'ing, Renji shook his head, "Let's meet at the usual bar after then," of course, as much as he wanted to keep Shuuhei to himself and he could see the other wanted to stay too, they had no choice. This looked serious and urgent, whatever it was, if even the Taichou came to the office earlier and sent for his Fukutaichou.

Still, and the brunet noted this, it didn't look like Renji regretted last night...and even hinted at part two, eh? Shuuhei hoped with all his heart this would happen again...

"And go heal your wounds when on a break, alright?" Renji tugged on black locks lovingly, loving how Shuuhei leaned into his touch, receiving a nod and that beautiful smile.

Kissing Renji again, Shuuhei pulled away, moving to take off the redhead's yukata to put on his own shihakushou. It sucked he had to leave Renji earlier than either of them expected, but he didn't have a choice and that sucked balls like nothing else.

"You can sleep more if you want, just lock the door when you leave," Shuuhei nodded to the keys on the table.

Renji yawned loudly, "Yeah, yeah..." pulling the blanket over himself, he crossed his hands under his head, smirking as he looked Shuuhei up and down, "You look like you just had it up your ass."

And admittedly, Shuuhei expected as much as he smirked back, "No time to take a shower... And what's the point of denying things as they are?" turning on his heels, Hisagi moved to the door, "See you later...then..." he turned back to look at Renji for a second, smiling brightly.

"Later..." Abarai smiled back, watching the door close behind Shuuhei, whispering absentmindedly, "Be careful..." he himself didn't know where that came from, but his gut told him something was up... Still, he decided to brush it off as he settled back to sleep.

Making fast steps through the halls, Shuuhei's heart and mind were racing as he wondered what could have happened. He was really upset he didn't get to spend more time with Renji, to make up for lost time that they had, since he still couldn't believe they were back together, already, so... Damn, this better not turn out to be just a stupid waste of ti-

His thought process was completely stopped when he neared the office, witnessing the figure standing near the door, frowning deeply as he stopped in his tracks, "...what brings you here at this ungodly hour... Ichigo Kurosaki?"

Arms crossed and leaning against the wall, Ichigo smiled knowingly, "...oh, don't worry about me. Worry about what's going to happen inside."

Blinking, confused, Shuuhei stood there a moment longer, too many thoughts racing in his mind and not a single one of them was logical.

He was hesitant, very much so as he stared at the door, his heart pounding loudly in his ears...but finally, taking all of his courage with him, ignoring the amused chuckle he got from Ichigo, he opened the door...

...only to witness Muguruma-taichou sitting at his desk with Hirako-taichou leaning against it, arms crossed, staring at him with his usual expression.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	10. Chapter Ten: Daring

**Author's Notes:** I have nothing to say about this chapter, for once... It is the way it is... lol Sure, I could have made it longer, but it was originally supposed to be even shorter, but then I decided to add Renji's part too.

Another fic suggestion. This time, it's _**"Entwined – Secrets"**_ by the amazing _**Writing is Necessary**_. I personally really love this fic! It has everything a hardcore Kira-fan could ever ask for. If you like any of the couples mentioned in my fic (there is even slight past-ShuuRen hinting in it and even RenKira...this fic is perfect for 369 fans, I tellz ya!), I definitely recommend this fic. And I'm aware dear promoted my fic there too. Don't think I am doing this just to return the favor. Thing is, both _**Writing is Necessary**_ and _**OccultDawn**_ are my most fave Bleach fic writers EVER! They are the Queens of this fandom on my list, especially in the angst genre. Thank you dears so much for making me happy with your outstanding writing!

_**Chapter Ten: Daring**_

Silently staring at the two Taichous, Hisagi's heart skipped a beat as he slowly entered the office, closing the door behind himself and bowing politely.

Ichigo Kurosaki... What a terribly dangerous character he was. And Shuuhei should have known as much. He should have known that powerful man wouldn't keep things as they were. The brunet should have expected Kurosaki would find any ways possible to execute his revenge.

And above all, he should have suspected Ichigo would turn to the former 'Visored' for help... Especially Hirako-taichou.

Should have known or not, it was too late to do anything. And Hisagi was really going to get what's coming to him.

Trying to keep his voice as calm as possible as he was bowing he finally spoke up, "...Good morning Muguruma-taichou, Hirako-taichou. You requested my presence?"

Kensei was leaning against his hand as he turned a page of some kind of paper he was reading into and Shinji remained silent, staring intently at Shuuhei though, leaning against the desk, almost sitting on it, arms crossed.

An uncomfortable pause followed, only occasionally ruined by Kensei's rustle of papers before he said, "Straighten up, kid. It's going to be a long talk."

Okay, so far - so good. He was still alive and it didn't look like either of the former Visored had any intention of killing him. Hisagi wasn't at ease yet though as he straightened up, eyeing both men better.

Muguruma-taichou's eyes were serious with a hint of anger even and Hirako-taichou's were unreadable, though he had a toothy frown shown directed at him.

Indeed, Shuuhei couldn't be at ease yet. A death penalty could come up any second.

"I'm sure you know why you're here, so I'll cut to the chase immediately," Kensei said, scratching the back of his head as he leaned back in the chair to sit more comfortably, "As it was a month ago, the Ninth Division didn't have a Taichou to make any official comment or decision and since there were basically no regulations saying who should be the one to make a decision, you got off the hook easily," Kensei paused a second, staring at Shuuhei expectantly, "...is there anything you have to say to justify your actions, Hisagi-fukutaichou?"

The brunet had a lump in his throat at that point, gathering saliva in his mouth and gulping, feeling his heart starting to beat faster, but his stance and face were firm as he opened his mouth, letting out a shaky breath, "No, sir..."

"Really, now... Attacking a fellow Fukutaichou without a reason is a serious crime... And if memory serves right, it meant immediate execution," Kensei's eyes were glued on Shuuhei's as he said that, "...if you think I have no candidate to take over your position, you are quite mistaken. Do you understand what I'm saying, Hisagi-fukutaichou?"

Losing his precious position as a Ninth Division Fukutaichou would mean the end for him. He let go of it easily weeks ago when he discharged himself, but... Hearing that from his own Taichou was heavy. Too heavy. He was basically told right now he was not needed, easily replaceable... By the exact same man who inspired him, thanks to whom he found resolve and strength to stand where he was today. He was told this by his own hero...

Shuuhei understood at that second that... He was on his own in this. No one would be on his side if things got really bad. It was as if Muguruma-taichou just pointed at the door.

And he wished he had, but he really didn't have anything to say. At all. Nothing at all to protest with. He was powerless...because he knew he was in complete wrong.

It was really painful and hard to take all of the words said at him, but again, Shuuhei kept his calm, "Yes, Muguruma-taichou."

"...at least, that's the sentence you would have gotten in da old days," came Shinji's voice, who simply stood watch until now, "Thing is, the fact ya discharged yourself changes many things."

Hisagi stared. Changes..?

"Yeah..." Kensei picked and dropped the file with papers for emphasis, "Apart from this so called "small misstep", you have a completely clean record, too."

Huh? What was this..? It was too early to get happy, but the sudden conversation in favor of the brunet was giving him much needed hope.

He just wished it wasn't false hope...

"But that's not even all, really," Hirako leaned hands against the desk, his toothy scowl still in full view, "That time when Kira-fukutaichou dug into this matter, it seems all of the Fukutaichous from every single Division accepted your return," the blond let out an annoyed breath, his eyes holding a bored expression now, "And as it is, us Taichous have authority over Fukutaichous, but this decision should be made by them alone without any pressure. And in this case, it means dat ya have total protection of all of Fukutaichous on yar side. In other words, if say, all of the Taichous voted for your execution, it would be going against all of the Fukutaichous' will, which could result in unnecessary conflict, even force. And that is something strictly forbidden by law, despite Taichous having greater authority, ya see."

Muguruma frowned as he raised his eyes at Shinji, "Where the hell did you learn all that detailed nonsense?"

"In dis new rulebook," Hirako reached inside his haori, taking out a thin book and throwing it to Kensei, who caught it with ease, "It's amazing how much Soul Society changed while we were gone and after Aizen's imprisonment."

Shuuhei stared at the two with slightly widened eyes. He actually didn't have much time to read into all of the new rules with his tiresome work, so what he heard just now was majorly new to him. If this how things worked now, he was very glad. Really glad. It meant he wouldn't get executed and got to keep his position.

He almost smiled as he stared at Muguruma-taichou asking where the new fucked up rule was written and Hirako-taichou listing through pages trying to find it, pointing his finger at it when he did.

...But wait...what were they doing? Weren't they on Kurosaki's side..?

It was still early to celebrate, wasn't it? And Shuuhei was proven right as Shinji and Kensei exchanged looks.

"But ya know what, Hisagi-fukutaichou?" Shinji continued, spreading his arms at the sides and shrugging innocently, as if they were having a talk about weather and not a person's fate, "Even though we can do nothin' to ya officially," he tilted his head to the side, showing off a toothy smile, "There are other ways for us to help out our great friend."

And all of Hisagi's inner hope suddenly disappeared into thin air as if it never even existed. He felt weak and his head was spinning from all of this pressure and stress. Why did it look like it was a game for these two..? Both Taichous held hideously wide smirks now and it could mean that something was up. And whatever it was, it was not good.

Kensei stood up, his hands on the desk, "As the Ninth Division's Taichou, I officially pardon you off this crime due to the law, however," getting some document, he pushed it towards the end of the table, "Come and read this, Hisagi-fukutaichou."

Shuuhei's legs felt like jelly as he made slow steps towards the table, picking up the offered piece of paper and reading it, his eyes widening.

N-no way... This was-

"You see, Hisagi-fukutaichou, it's all about connections. And Ichigo certainly has no problem with that within Gotei 13," Shinji grinned, watching Shuuhei's hands shake a bit.

Friends help out each other in any way possible, huh..?

Hisagi could hardly breathe.

"You understand what this means, don't you, kid?" Kensei sat back down, completely at ease, "An order signed by Soutaichou himself... None of the Taichous or Fukutaichous in the entire Gotei 13 have the right to stop your battle with Kurosaki Ichigo, no matter the circumstances."

Hisagi's eyes were wide as he scanned every single word with his eyes. This couldn't be real. Even Soutaichou himself was on Ichigo's side?! Did the entire Gotei 13 truly go against him now?! And to be honest, the brunet couldn't help a nagging feeling that something wasn't right, but he couldn't pinpoint what it was.

All he knew was... He was completely fucked.

"And in this case, not even the Fukutaichous being on your side can help you. This is what they call the law of the jungle, kid."

Yeah, jungle... The brunet still couldn't believe this was happening. Everything was so well before his emotions and hurt took the better of him. He couldn't forgive himself for what he did to Renji still, it was a fact, but... The redhead forgave him. Abarai even returned to him. They were together again and yet, this had to happen. All because of one single person who couldn't let go of a grudge.

If this was exactly how Ichigo Kurosaki truly was, Shuuhei had no idea how this man went as far as he did...

Putting the paper back on the table, Shuuhei did it just in time to hear a "have a nice morning and day", so he bowed his head and left the office, burdened and beat by his cruel fate.

Just as he walked out, he actually momentarily wondered what Ichigo Kurosaki promised in return to execute his revenge, but he guessed since Gotei 13 owed him a lot as was for all of his help, Shuuhei's life was a small price to pay.

How very...interesting...

Eyeing said man as the brunet closed the door behind himself, he had to admit that Ichigo's smirk looked really tasteless, "Did you like your good morning surprise, scum?"

Scum, eh..? This just kept getting better and better. And Renji was actually great friends with this guy. What did he see in him..?

Getting his thoughts back together as he stood there a second longer, Shuuhei looked directly at Ichigo, "...I don't have a choice now, do I?"

Ichigo snorted, "No way, freak."

Closing his eyes a second, Shuuhei sighed, "I accept your duel then," he really didn't want to get stabbed in the back if he refused. Besides, his pride as a seated officer wouldn't allow him to.

"Great, let's go," unfolding his arms and leaning away from the wall, Ichigo glared at Hisagi as he walked past him, arms in his shihakushou pockets, "This is the last fucking day of your life..."

Quietly following after Ichigo, Shuuhei couldn't help but run everything that was said to him in the office over and over in his mind. There was something odd about all this. He would have gotten to the bottom of it, but he had no time or choice at this point...

Oh well, he was kinda getting what he deserved. But this was not the same as last time anymore. Last time he went against Ichigo, he wanted to die... This time, he didn't. Because...Renji came back to him. And that's all he needed. All he wanted. To him, nothing else mattered. Because he loved the tattooed monkey idiot without fail...without fail.

And then, he suddenly remembered something, grinning widely as he snickered under his breath at the amusing thought, receiving a disgusted look from Ichigo, "What's so funny? Do you even realize the seriousness of the situation you're in, fucker?"

Shuuhei didn't reply and just grinned wider. Thinking back to Renji, he had to mentally apologize.

Hisagi wouldn't be able to keep his promise to go heal all of the wounds on his body during a break.

* * *

Stirring in the futon, Renji woke up, stretching his muscles as he yawned. Looking around the room, he remembered he was at sempai's place, grinning to himself as he turned on his side and snuggled the pillow, taking in the scent that belonged to Shuuhei. Gods, he really had to admit it, he missed the brunet's warmth, that beautiful smile, those gorgeous kind eyes that shined with love and care only for him, that amazing body he got to touch whenever, the goofy conversations they had, everything. It was really impossible to not love him.

But then his momentary musings were ruined as he remembered where he was supposed to be. Raising his still sleepy eyes, Renji looked at the clock, amber instantly going wide as he jumped out of bed.

Oh fucking shit. He was late by one hour already. Kuchiki-taichou will have his hea-

Pausing as he decided to take one of Shuuhei's sleeved shihakushous, for he had no time to return home, the redhead was stoned as he faintly felt two familiar reiatsus in the distance.

The fuck was this..?! Were Ichigo and Shuuhei seriously...battling..?

Eyes getting even wider, grumbling about what a fucked up morning it was, Renji put on the shihakushou fast, running out of the room, completely forgetting to lock it as he promised Hisagi, not caring to remember either as it didn't matter at that second, running out of the Ninth Division barracks only to run into another familiar reiatsu.

Stopping in his tracks, Renji's stared at the person he didn't yet wish to face. His heart beating fast and uneven. It was time to face the music sooner than expected, huh..?

But he had no time. The two reiatsus were only getting stronger.

"Kuchiki-taichou," he half-bowed half-nodded, "You can kick my ass after for being late, but right now, I need to go and-"

"The only thing you are doing is keeping far away from the battle, Abarai-fukutaichou," Byakuya's face was a normal stoic.

"...what?! Why is that, Taichou? Two of my friends are fighting, I need to-"

"...so in the very end, you have made your final decision," Byakuya interrupted Renji, saying what actually mattered to him, going slightly out of his way by doing that, a new emotion shining in his eyes.

And then... Renji felt lower than shit for a second time in his life. In fact, it looked like déjà vu to him... But... He really couldn't help his heart.

And as he stared at Byakuya right now, he couldn't help but think back to Hisagi, especially with his reiatsu going out of it at high levels in the distance.

A 180 degree change of preferences again? No... Staring into dark eyes, Renji realized it...

He has always been truly in love with only Shuuhei. Was he lying to himself all this time? Was he lying to Byakuya about loving him all this time?

Did he...truly fuck things up so badly..?

His face serious with a hint of misery in his eyes, Renji let out a heavy sigh. This was foolish and crazy. What has he been doing all of these months..?

"I'm truly very sorry..." letting that out, staring directly into Byakuya's eyes, putting all of his sincere emotions into that one sentence, Renji understood.

It was over.

He would never be able to grab hold of the moon ever again and bask in its tender glow...

Even then Byakuya's expression remained unchanged, but... Renji knew. He knew how much he hurt the other. He had already witnessed the damage done with sempai.

But this showed the difference between two men. Major difference. Still, he couldn't believe he fucked it up yet again.

Will this circle ever end..?

Closing his eyes Kuchiki-taichou reached inside his haori and pulled out a folded piece of paper, offering it to Renji, "Please read and understand the situation. That is all," he really showed nothing, but the air was heavy and there was a change in Byakuya's aura.

As soon as Renji accepted the paper, Byakuya left, disappearing out of sight just like that. And with it - out of Renji's personal life.

Squeezing the paper in his hand, Renji tch'ed, looking up at the morning sky, thinking about what kind of worthless idiot he was.

First sempai, now his Taichou... When will he stop fucking up so badly? And the shitty part was, it's not like he never loved Byakuya... But it seems... His feelings for Shuuhei were just stronger.

That's what his soul told him. And he didn't know if this was good or bad, but... He didn't regret the time he was with Byakuya. Not even for a second. The man showed him so much love, so much caring, so much...everything Renji could ever wish for.

But maybe, deep down, he was fooling himself all this time... And actually missing Hisagi.

Letting go of his messed up feelings for now and unfolding the paper, Renji couldn't believe his eyes at what he read.

"No...Shuuhei..."

_**To Be Continued...**_


End file.
